Excerpts from the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, If Holmes Was from Chicago
“This is my friend, Sherlock Holmes. He’s from America.” “Not just America, actually. I’m from Chicago.”
Comedy Writing
It’s Great to Hear About Your Wedding, Even Though I’m a Monster Living in the Sewers
So where are you holding the wedding? Is it going to be in the sewers of Chicago?
We’ve Been Observing Your Earth—We Give It a Four
Canyons, however, are terrible. They’re like backwards mountains, but long. There’s nothing grand about that.
Disappointing Truths Behind Paranormal Mysteries
Disappointing Truth: Stonehenge is just another case of mass hysteria. In reality, of course, rocks can’t be balanced on top of each other.
Times I Have Suspected My Therapist Might Be a Baby
Have you tried burping? What about being burped? It’s okay to be small and fragile sometimes. Or all the time.
I Made Some Educated Guesses on This Guide to Trucker Slang
10-4: Truckers believe that it is bad luck to say the number 40 because this was the number of years the Israelites wandered in the desert.
I Didn’t Research My Historical Baseball Novel Very Carefully
The whole town had gathered in the stands, because they were too poor to afford a place in the seats.
Myths and Facts About Balloon Animals
Myth: Balloon animals hate humans for cursing them with life. Fact: Balloon animals only hate the specific human who inflated them.
The Devil Is Known by Many Names—No, Seriously, Many Names
Anti-Christ. Bizarro-God. The Divinaughty. Providen’t. The horn in horny. The original Pitchfork Media. The devil you know.
After Credit Scenes from the Bible
And she did reply, "No, they are of no concern to us. Let them wander in the desert. We shall begin… Project Babylon."
The Three Laws of Robotics, If Isaac Asimov Had Led a Different Life
The Laws of Robotics, if Isaac Asimov was really into Partying: A robot must not harsh the vibe, or by inaction, allow the vibe to be harshed.
I’m a Matriarch in a Play, and I’m Sure Nothing Bad Will Happen at My Family Gathering
Awfully hot day, isn’t it? It’s always hot here in the summers, but we make do. That’s what the Edgar family does. We make do.