Why Jerry Sandusky is Definitely Going to Jail
There is one man who has made it so that Jerry Sandusky is all but guaranteed to go to jail. That man is Michael Jackson. Sorry, Sandusky, you're just not famous and loved enough to get away with it.
Comedy Writing
Romantic Firsts: I’ll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours
Brooke and I had just finished a spectacular recess. I pulled her hair. She threw rocks at me. It was magical. Then came what will forever be known as 'The Naptime Fiasco.'
The Ex-Girlfriend Letter Template
It's difficult to have one more conversation with your lost love. So the only way to give her your last two cents is to write a letter.
Trojan Fire & Ice Condoms: WTF is Happening to My Dick?!
If you're using a Trojan Fire & Ice chemically-enhanced condom without knowing it, like I was, the ensuing sex can be one of the most horrifying experiences of your life.
Marcus vs. the KFC Double Down
Colonel Sanders learns the hard way that you never play chicken with a sandwich unless you're willing to eat it in the end.
The Poverty Diet: Lose Weight the Involuntary Way!
With the Poverty Diet you can lose weight in one simple step: Be poor! The rest takes care of itself! Don't worry, you'll get used to the malnourishment.
Five Premature Celebrity Obituaries
In order to avoid being blind-sided by another unexpected celebrity death, I’ve written obituaries for Zach Braff, Jaleel White, the Mythbusters and Flava Flav.
Conversation with My Liver: An Intervention
Hey, buddy, it's me, your liver. I need to talk to you about last night. 20 shots of whiskey? What the hell were you thinking? I'm dying here.
The November 1st Walk of Shame
On Halloween, the shame of the walk becomes exponentially more soul crushing for girls. It's like a whore parade down main street.
The Vegetarian Menace
The vegetarian menace is dividing this great country of ours. They aren't necessarily bad people, they just have stupid, stupid beliefs.
Legends of the Hidden Temple Ruined My Life
When I returned home from the game show, I was ostracized by my peers - mocked, ridiculed, beaten. All because I failed to defeat Kirk Fogg.