4 Patriotic Wartime Activities That Will Have You Home in Time to Watch Those Badass Missiles on TV
As we prepare for war with North Korea, Americans can be counted on to do their part. Just so long as we're home in time to watch the missiles on TV!
Comedy Writing
I Forced Jeff Sessions to Eat from a Trough, and Now He Thinks White People are Superior to Dogs
I recently forced Attorney General Jeff Sessions to eat from the same trough we use to feed our many dogs, and now he believes that white people are superior to their canine companions.
5 Historical Events Reimagined If Congressional Republicans Had Been in Charge
Republicans have demonstrated unflappable stoicism in the face of foreign attacks, unparalleled corruption, and looming constitutional crisis. How would they have fared with historical events?
Do You Have the Security Clearance Required to Tell Rob Gronkowski the Real Truth About the Centauri UFO Landing of 1966?
Have you received unexpected pizza deliveries with notes attached: "Tell Rob Gronkowski and you’ll be sorry"? If so, you have the necessary clearance.
Help! My Son is Dating a Calvinist, and I Don’t Want Our Unrelated Family Ban on Dancing to Seem Like Pandering
My son is dating a Calvinist and there’s just no way in hell she isn’t going to think our family’s unrelated ban on dancing is anything but blatant pandering.
An Open Letter to White Supremacists from the Dead Jewish Guy in Your Mother’s Grave
In a concerted effort to protect our own from further desecration and prejudice, we secretly replace all Gentile bodies with dead Jews. Standard procedure within the Conspiracy.
Not Such a Bad Guy: Steve Bannon Holds a Beautiful Vigil for Every Puppy He Kills
For every young gazelle killed by a lion for food, a puppy, too, must also be sacrificially exsanguinated by Steve Bannon to the Dark King of Babylon.
5 Other Times Jill Stein Fucked It Up for Everybody Else
One look into Stein's past would have revealed some big clues to the total disaster wrought upon our country due to her very presence.
5 Helpful Tips for Living in a Banana Republic
Many Americans are nervous that Donald Trump is violating long-held democratic norms. Here's how to navigate the ins and outs of your new, failed state.
Guy Fieri’s Forensic Files
Hi, everybody. I’m Guy Fieri, and we’re rollin’ out, lookin’ for America’s greatest solved murders.
6 Tips as You Prepare to Die on Your Next American Train Ride
Advice for easing your transition into death after choosing this dark, moody, and occasionally cost-effective alternative transportation.
7 Incredible But True Dog Facts That Won’t Save You From the Completely Unforeseeable Collapse of the Coal Industry in the US
Incredible but surprisingly true dog facts that will in no way whatsoever save you from the fallout of the coal mine closing in your community.