The People Who Will Beat You in the Thanksgiving Half Marathon for Which You’ve Trained for Months
- A nine-year-old who will be upset later that there’s no gravy for his potato volcano
Comedy Writing
It’s a New Year! Time to Set Another Realistic Goodreads Goal That You Somehow Won’t Meet
The bar gets lower every year, and you still haven't managed to clear it. But this one. This is the year. You can feel it.
I’m Not Looking Forward to Halloween Because It’s Spooky, I’m Just Looking Forward to Not Sweating
I'm looking forward to when boob sweat makes its annual migration toward those hapless people in the southern hemisphere.
Santa’s Reviews of Milk and Cookies
The thank-you note was from Whiskers, Sam Meowliot, and Purrt Russell. They also showed their gratitude by leaving some fur in the cookies.
Please Don’t Cover Your Abandoned Pandemic Garden During the Frost, We Just Want to Die
In hindsight, you probably should have spent more time tilling the ground than posting seductive selfies in your gardening hat, but that's okay.
Sharks Aren’t Nearly as Scary as Canadian Geese and Yet They’re the Ones with a Week of TV
Some people say that sharks take nibbles to satisfy their curiosity. Rest assured, we're coming to bite you because we want to bite you.
I Have No Career or Personal Accomplishments, But I Win the Fitbit Step Challenge Every Week
While I could find satisfaction in work, the steps I take while pacing tearfully in the work bathroom help me add thousands of steps each week.
How to Get Past Your Baseball Team Losing in the Playoffs…Again
If your friend's team was the one that eliminated your team, tell them they can see you at your funeral.
How to Avoid Bursting Into Flames Without Air Conditioning
Create clothing from frozen vegetables. People always want to wear as little clothing as possible during the summertime. That's a big mistake.
We Can’t Marry Prince Harry Anymore, But We Can Be Princesses in Other Ways
Princesses are always getting smooched and we can get kisses, too! And hey, if we're going through a dry spell, a frog's not the worst option.
Six Reasons Why Running a Half Marathon May Be Right for You
Your complimentary shirt will consist almost entirely of sponsor names. You can take part in the latest trend: advertising local plumbing services.
Reviews of Yellowstone National Park By Bison
If that’s not bad enough, the elk start head-butting each other out of sheer horniness for all to see. It’s like living in a frat house.