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Colorado Springs, CO

I spend most of my time thinking of outrageous situations that could never possibly happen. I have made it my life's goal to be the first human being to get sucked into a black hole. There's a possibility that on the other side is an alternate universe, which would be freaking sweet. And even if that doesn't happen and I just get crushed, it would still be the most bad ass death in human history.

Comedy Writing

I’m Awesome

I can perform brain surgery in the dark, and I found the Higgs boson particle with an accelerator I constructed in my backyard out of tin foil and duct tape.

Idiots of the Future, Today

There's a lot of cool new stuff in the world, but it still feels like the same place. And that's mainly because it's still populated with the same jackasses and idiots.

Kenny Loggins Must Die

There comes a moment in a man's life when he stares into the jaundiced, bleary eye of fate and realizes the inescapable truth of what is to become of the rest of his time in this world.

Sorry I Shot You in the Ovaries

I really, really feel bad about the fact that I destroyed your reproductive system like that. I wish I could make it up to you. You could take my child, if you promise to assume full legal responsibility for it. And feed it.

How to Survive in the Past

Let's say you wake up one day and you're smack in the middle of the past. You need to know a few things, unless you want the people in the past to kill you, lock you up, or make fun of you.

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