<p><strong><a href="http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5gQ6iVGh2tkgdbkyaZBrqeP-BqpdwD9ANVP600" title="Associated Press">Bernanke says recession "very likely over"</a></strong></p> <p><strong>By JEANNINE </strong><strong>AVERSA</strong><strong> (AP) - 26 minutes ago</strong></p>
<p>My girlfriend pulled her groin recently, which I admit (and predicted) makes her the butt of many jokes, but the real victim here, as is almost always the case, is me. You see, Lisa can't open her legs and this seriously limits my social life. We've had to work on closed-legged "old people" positions that, though enjoyable, lack the sheer animalian quality I appreciate about our s
Germans are very meticulous, neat, boring people and they too have universal health care. I think we all know what that means. Universal health care clearly wants to eliminate the Jews.
<p>Growing old sucks. There's no way around it and no reason to sugarcoat it. The older we get the more we worry about boring and dry stuff like the economy and politics and just why, for the love of all that is decent and holy, reality television shows are so popular (seriously, <em>American Idol</em> is just <em>Star Search</em> and <em>The Gong Show</em> thrown together in some kind of horr
Lisa: If you ever cheated on me, I would cut off your butt. <br />Me: Why would you do that?<br />Lisa: So you wouldn't be that cute anymore. <br />Me: But my butt? What? Like you think it's my best feature or something?<br />Lisa: It's certainly not your mouth. <br /><br /> Tim: Nobody likes you very much.<br />Me: I get that a lot. <br />Chip: I'll bet. <br />
<p>Okay, so I can finally tell this story...</p> <p>Three months ago my girlfriend, who works in a bar, thought it would be a great idea to apply some generous fellatio to me in her manager's office. I had no arguments with this because... well, I don't think I need to tell you why. </p>
<p>Jemele Hill gets paid to make pointless observations with no foundation in reality. Sometimes, said observations piss me off and I mock them. Her words are in bold. Mine are in a state of unbridled confusion. </p>
<p>Nate is typing live below using this Cover It Live app. Click "Watch Now" or the play button to follow along, and send him comments or questions during the game.</p></p>
New foods inspired by recent celebrities' deaths. If you have time to get a BJ, you have time to think up foods that emulate dead people.
<p>The greatest thing about being incredibly busy during a Florida summer is my electric bill. I live alone. And I don't cool an empty apartment while I'm gone. And I'm usually gone. And I can't write at work as much as I used to because I'm busier there than I used to be because I do other people's jobs too (and I'm thankful for the work) because of the economy.</p>
<p>So I decided to go see a shrink. Well, actually it was court ordered, but I made the decision to attend, you know, after I was threatened with jail time. I learned a lot about myself at my first session. It turns out that I am insensitive. </p><p>Who knew, eh?</p>
It's not your fault. It's just the truth. I wish it weren't, really. I wish I wasn't handsome and wealthy. I wish my genetics weren't superior to yours in every way.