Tampa, FL by way of St. Louis, MO

Nathan DeGraaf graduated fucking years ago with a BA in Creative Writing from the University of South Florida, which he still lives near because college chicks are the best. On weekday evenings, Nate can typically be found at any one of a number of North Tampa bars. On weekends, he typically cannot be found. When not drinking, fishing, watching sports, or having sex, Nathan likes to read, play the harmonica, and show up for work. Throughout the course of his life, he has been arrested six times because, as his father has often said, "the kid is fucking stupid."

Comedy Writing

Today in the News

The City of Chicago recently decided that their awful teachers can begin teaching their watered down lessons to stupid students who do a lousy job at everything. 

5 Election Year Inevitabilities

We, as a species that made up hours and days to provide ourselves with some sense of order in an overcooked burger of a universe, want to believe that things change. But they don't.

Go Ahead, Kill These People

You can't just go killing everyone willy-nilly, but there are certain people who should, no matter what, cease to exist. Here is your guide to your next killing spree.

Rejected Love Poems

You are my everything / My sunshine / My oxygen / My reason for living. / It’s just such a shame / That you’re a figment of my imagination / Because being a superhero would be totally badass.

Chicken Fried Rights

Gay marriage is a thing and I'm not worried about it. For all that marriage has done to promote fidelity and good behavior, we might as well legalize marriage for all animals, minerals and vegetables. I know dogs that are just as faithful as some of the married people I know and I don't really care one way, the other way or even that funky third way who gets married and for what reasons.

Flightless

I didn't hear the bullet or even the gun's report. I saw my friend's skull explode, blood splattered all over my face, the table, the wings, the beer, the condiments, the napkins... fucking everything. Blood was everywhere.

Giggles

It's funny how her smile never seems to keep me alive / And yet I'm here / Again. / And she is smiling / Again. / "What?" she giggles when she speaks.

Handing Out Awards for the 2011 NLCS

It's time for the old "handing out awards using movie lines" gimmick first popularized by the artist formerly known as Bill Simmons. This time for my hometown, National League Champion St. Louis Cardinals.

Non Sequiturs Never Quit

Occupy Wall Street is doing it wrong. I mean, they don't even have one nuclear weapon. There's no way they get taken seriously. Sorry Mom.

Fuck Your Eulogy

I wish you weren't dead. So I could tell you that your suicide letter was the funniest thing I ever read. But there you are. Gone and beyond.

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