Clinging to the Party Balloons
Party over here, party over there, free balloons from the car, fill the merry air. Another poignant story from Captain Feel-Good himself.
Comedy Writing
The Old Record Store Scam
Beefing up your CD collection is a lot easier when you've got a hot, groupie slut in your back pocket (and down the store employee's pants).
You’re Addicted to Drugs
No matter how you slice it, snort it, or shoot it, you're still an addict. Grab an instrument and become the next great to die before his time.
Why Men Love Sports
If you want your man to show some bonding, emotion, and sensitivity, take him out to the ballgame. Afterward, be ready to round the bases.
The Shizmessedup Religion
Worship is easy when you're part of a religion that assumes nothing in the world really makes sense. Just kick back, relax, and tithe regularly.
The Gentleman and the Goat Lover
It started off as a trip to a Cardinals game. It progressed into a nasty spat between a rich man and a goat bioengineer. Don't ask, just read.
Hey Women: Be Good
Well-behaved women rarely make history. But if they want respect, they will make breakfast, money, and sweet love every night.
Five Suckass Foods
Unfortunately, exercise alone doesn't constitute a health kick. You also have substitute your horrible American diet for boring, bland shit.
Trying the Girlfriend Thing Again
Every couple of years even the most unfit of men will find himself a woman for 3 months of monogamous sex. Let's see how this one goes down.
Oh the Places You Will Sweat
Working out is about more than looking and feeling good. It's about meathead rivalry, MILFs, and sizing up potential girlfriends.
I Know What Love Is
Love is an ethereal concept that has been studied over the ages, but once you boil it down, it's really just a matter of money.
The Gentleman and the Pot Lover
How do you stop drugs and gang violence? You go directly to the houses of people who are smoking pot and preach to them of course.