Tampa, FL by way of St. Louis, MO

Nathan DeGraaf graduated fucking years ago with a BA in Creative Writing from the University of South Florida, which he still lives near because college chicks are the best. On weekday evenings, Nate can typically be found at any one of a number of North Tampa bars. On weekends, he typically cannot be found. When not drinking, fishing, watching sports, or having sex, Nathan likes to read, play the harmonica, and show up for work. Throughout the course of his life, he has been arrested six times because, as his father has often said, "the kid is fucking stupid."

Comedy Writing

Mushy Fruit Snippets

<a href="http://www.blurofinsanity.com/blurimages/gravity13d.jpg"><img style="float:right;width:200px;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="http://www.blurofinsanity.com/blurimages/gravity13d.jpg" border="0" /></a>Me: I broke up with Amy. But she wouldn’t have it.<br />Main: That ain’t how that’s supposed to work.<br />Me: Don’t I know it.<br /><br />Me: I was sexually harassed the last game I umpired.<br />Jen: How so?<br />Me: A whole bunch of moms sat right behind me and made comments about my ass during the game. If I were a chick, I would sue.<br />Jen: Well, now maybe you know how uncomfortable it can be to be a woman.<br />Me: No. Not really.<br />Jen: Why not?<br />Me: Because I freaking loved it.<br />Jen: Men.<br /><br />Wild: Don’t slam my car door too hard or you’ll get bong water all over you.<br />Me: You keep a portable gravity bong in the cup holder of the door of your car?<br />Wild: Yup.<br />Me: Why?<br />Wild: Because if I put it in the center console, it tips over.<br />Me: Fair enough.<br /><br />Main: So, you said you never wanted to see her again and she said?<br />Me: That I was being silly. That I didn’t have a good enough reason to break up with her.<br />Main: And you countered with?<br />Me: Nothing. She brought by a twelve pack.<br />Main: You’re messed up, Nate.<br /><br />Main: So, you’re writing a book?<br />Me: Yup.<br />Main: What’s it about?<br />Me: It’s a whole bunch of chunks of conversations strewn together to tell stories.<br />Main: About what?<br />Me: About my life, I guess.<br />Main: You need a better sales pitch.<br />Me: Thanks for caring.<br />Main: It’s what I do.<br /><br />Chris: I wouldn’t tell people that you’re writing a book.<br />Me: Why? You think I won’t finish it or something?<br />Chris: My friend Dave was writing a book once, and he told one person about it. And then, not even one day later, he cracked his skull on some porcelain and forgot what he was writing about.<br />Me: So? What does that have to do with me?<br />Chris: Just think about it, man. Porcelain.<br />Me: Those drugs are turning your brain into a mushy kiwi.<br /><br />Chris: Why a mushy kiwi?<br />Me: What?<br />Chris: An hour ago, you said that drugs were turning my brain into a mushy kiwi. What the hell does that even mean?<br />Me: You said I’d crack my head on porcelain, and it made me think of a mushy kiwi. I don’t know. Is it bothering you or something?<br />Chris: Why not a squash or a rotten apple or something?<br />Me: It was a random choice, dude. It’s no big deal.<br />Chris: Maybe for you, but I’m the guy whose melon is a kiwi. I have to live with that—hey, where you going?<br /><br />Me: Do you have any plans this weekend?<br />Main: Man, the weekend is like two or three days away.<br />Me: That’s why they’re called, plans, Main. You know, they’re for the future?<br />Main: What you got going on, anyway?<br />Me: My friend Court is coming to town.<br />Main: You know a guy named Court?<br />Me: I think I just said that I do.<br />Main: Does he have a friend named Jail?<br />Me: That’s not funny.

How to Talk to Drunks

If a raging drunk is talking nonsense, but nobody is there to listen, will he ever stop making sound? No, but it's not his fault.

Observations Like a Human Pool

Apparently, this summer’s rising gas prices are due to nuclear developments in Iran. I tell you, Exxon and friends must be loving this whole war in the Middle East.

Just Going Out of Business

<a href="http://www.ahscalgary.ca/gfx/library.gif"><img style="float:right;width:200px;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="http://www.ahscalgary.ca/gfx/library.gif" border="0" /></a>Just Books, the last book store near the University of South Florida that is not affiliated with the campus, Borders, or Barnes and Noble is going out of business. The owner is retiring. Since I moved here several years ago, Just Books has watched four competing book stores (in a five mile radius) go belly up. The owner, a chubby old man with a pony tail and an old hippie disposition, despite the fact that he has seen me go through many different hair styles and despite sometimes not seeing me for months, always recognizes my face and always recommends quality books. He also helped me catch a stray puppy once (though in truth, he was really just there for moral support. I mean, chubby old people ain’t quick). Anyway, I’m pissed. I’m tired of cool places going out of business.<br /><br />Manhattan Bagel used to be in the local area as well. It was the only place in Tampa where you could get a Taylor Ham sandwich. Many of you may not know what Taylor Ham is or how good it is. Trust me, it’s great. Some northeasterners reading this may be thinking something along the lines of, “Wait a minute. How does a kid from St. Louis who lives in Tampa know about Taylor Ham?” To this I respond, “Hey, I get around.” Manhattan Bagel was an awesome place—they were privately owned providers of precious goodness—but it had to go. And, because of it, I went to Arby’s. The lesson, naturally, this world sucks.<br /><br />Las Palios Brother’s Fried Chicken used to be in South Tampa, right off South MacDill Ave. Not only was it some of the best fried chicken I ever had in my life, not only was the place always clogged with all walks of life (from ghetto gang bangers to suit-clad, senior-citizen senators), but the walls were covered with pictures that essentially outlined the history of Tampa, from the day the railroads first got here to the days of Hurricane Donna to the inaugural Tampa Bay Devil Rays game. Black and white photos yielded to color photos, the quality of which got better and better as the years progressed, until eventually becoming digital and then… the entire place was destroyed and turned into a bank. And yours truly turned to Kentucky Fried Chicken. No offense to the colonel, but life’s a bitch.<br /><br />And so I say goodbye to another privately owned piece of cool capitalism. No longer will I be able to purchase used books from a chubby dude in a run down building. No longer will I be able to browse an eclectic mix of quality out-of-print works from all over the world. Instead, I’ll be at Barnes and Noble, sipping a latte and thumbing through the latest Oprah sponsored piece of self-serving tripe.<br /><br />But, as the man says, boo fucking hoo and get over it.<br /><br />So to Just Books, I say goodbye. If you need me, I’ll be on Amazon.com, wishing I could thumb through my choices before I purchase them, wishing I had bothered to learn that chubby dude’s name and wondering why any other book store would want to sell more than just books.

The Soft Road (A Poem)

The soft road<br />Is the road on which we walk,<br />Where our footprints last<br />And we can talk,<br />But only in whispers<br />For the wind carries ears,<br />And the birds that fly above<br />Aimless and without fear.<br /><br />And you know I never been a nature boy,<br />But this road it took me here,<br />Away from all life’s trappings<br />And the problems that we rear.<br /><br />I take in nature’s beauty,<br />Perfectly complimented by you<br />And I can feel a river running through me,<br />And I don’t know what to do.<br /><br />So I look up to the sky<br />And try to understand<br />Why so much has to happen<br />To this simple beast called man.<br /><br />Then I hold you in my arms<br />And kiss you full of care,<br />Because the world is so confusing<br />And right now we’re not there.

Maintaining the Breakup Pool

I’m dead sure that my girlfriend, Amy is gonna read this about three times. You see, it’s about her. And she loves that. Rarely does she pay close attention to anything I write if she’s not in it. After only a few months of dating her, I have come to the conclusion that she is very weird. And there’s nothing really wrong with that.<br /><br />When we first started dating, she took a lot of the comments I get a little too seriously and threatened random women/girls in my comment boxes. She’s showing restraint now and I’m proud. Real life women still get the angry eye from her. But whatever. At least she’s distinguishing reality from the internet.<br /><br />(Side note: speaking of the internet, apparently, My Space should change it’s name to The Plagiarists' Corner. So I’m taking this moment to state the following to any would be plagiarists out there: “Plagiarists, you have something inside you that means something. Therefore, you can write on your own and express yourself just fine. Plagiarists are thieves and liars. You don’t need to resort to that. I understand that the first thing we do when we like something is covet it, but that’s no reason to steal from anyone. And furthermore, it pisses me off. So please, stop. I’ll get off my soap box now.)<br /><br />At any rate, Amy tried to watch another baseball game with me a few nights ago (hey babe, if you’re reading this, I TiVo’d the Brewers/Cards game, so we can watch that tonight. I know you’re thrilled. No need to thank me) and she lasted six innings. True, she displayed all the focus of a Ridlin-addicted nine year old, but at least she lasted six frames. So I’m proud of her.<br /><br />If you don’t know by now, there is currently a pool going on in which you can guess when Amy will break up with me as a result of my addiction to watching the St, Louis Cardinals. The winner gets to guest write a column for me (hey, I’ll start giving out money when I get some. This prize is all I got). Naturally, you can also vote that we won’t break up. Anyway, here’s how the pool looks so far.<br /><br />The “When will Amy Break up with Nathan” Pool<br /><br />Court…April 21<br />Tony…May 18<br />Bunni…June 4th<br />Gaudio…June 11<br />Dan D…June 22nd<br />Big Mike…June 23<br />Freeze…July 3<br />Amy…July 4<br />Ryan…July 18 <a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/pollioi-758390.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/pollioi-756038.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />Phil in Chicago…July 27<br />Ashley…August 3<br />Faith…August 11<br />Kev from LA…August 26<br />Rob from Trenton…Sept. 24<br />Chad…October 7<br />Ian…October 8<br />Curtiss…Won’t break up<br />Ryan…Won’t break up<br />Tyler…Won’t break up<br />Chase…Won’t break up<br /><br />Make your picks now. No picks will be honored after April 30th.

Phoning the Snippets

<a href="http://fotw.vexillum.com/images/z/zw1.gif"><img style="float:right;width:200px;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="http://fotw.vexillum.com/images/z/zw1.gif" border="0" /></a>Main: What you doing out this late? Ain’t you supposed to be snuggling in bed with your little lady?<br />Me: Snuggling with my little lady? What the hell does that mean?<br />Main: You know? Sleeping with your bitch.<br />Me: Oh, I got you.<br /><br />Me: So what do you do?<br />Mike: I work in a flag store.<br />Me: A what?<br />Mike: A store that sells flags.<br />Me: Like what kind of flags?<br />Mike: Every kind.<br />Me: Every kind? So, if I wanted like a little small flag for my car—<br />Mike: We got ‘em.<br />Me: What if I wanted a big huge flag like, one hundred feet across?<br />Mike: We got those too?<br />Me: So, you got like every country and every sports team?<br />Mike: Pretty much.<br />Me: What if I wanted a flag of Zimbabwe?<br />Mike: Do you want a flag?<br />Me: Of course not.<br />Mike: ‘Cause you sound like you want a flag.<br />Me: I’m good.<br />Mike: ‘Cause I have flags if you need ‘em. Seriously. All kinds.<br />Me: Thanks, Mike. I’m good.<br />Mike: Okay, well if you change your mind—<br />Me: I’m calling you, Flag Boy.<br /><br />Chris: So, what brings you around?<br />Me: Just felt like coming out.<br />Chris: Where’s your woman?<br />Me: I don’t know. She lost her phone.<br />Chris: You’re not supposed to smile ear to ear when you say shit like that.<br />Me: Says who?<br /><br />Mike: You should make a joke about Nate’s penis on the site.<br />Amy: No, I would never do that.<br />Mike: Why not? It would be funny.<br />Amy: It may be, but I can’t do that. You see, when you’re a girl, you gotta love the penis, you want the penis to be happy so it can make you happy. And mocking the penis doesn’t accomplish that.<br />Mike: How old are you?<br /><br />Wild: Dude, it’s almost eleven. Where’s your girl at?<br />Me: Don’t know.<br />Wild: Did you tell her you were coming up here?<br />Me: No way to tell her. She lost her phone.<br />Wild: What about email?<br />Me: Didn’t check it.<br />Wild: Why not?<br />Me: What do you give a fuck?<br />Wild: I don’t. I’m just saying, if it was my girl, I’d want to know where she is. That’s all.<br />Me: Yeah well, I’m kind of enjoying the freedom.<br />Wild: Hey, if you ever miss paying for someone else’s beer, I’m here for you.<br />Me: Thanks, Wild.<br /><br />Mike: Man, you look drunk.<br />Me: And you look like a piece of dried poo with a hairpiece.<br />Mike: Touche.<br /><br />Amy: Good news. My phone’s back on.<br />Me: Awesome.<br />Amy: So hey, you want to go out to eat or something?<br />Me: Sure, just come on over.<br />Amy: It sure sucked not having a phone. Now I can call you whenever I want again. God, what a relief.<br />Me: My thoughts exactly.

Women Who Hate Women

Even women think women are crazy. That's why they would all prefer to have boys, who can't get knocked up at 16 like they did.

Nuclear Wings and Spicy Bombs

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/bomb-740381.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/bomb-736608.jpg" border="0" /></a>According to the news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said Iran will "soon join the club of countries with nuclear technology." In response, US President George Bush called up Mahmoud and welcomed him to the club. Soon enough, Mahmoud will learn the secret handshake and get invited to all the cool parties. Needless to say, he’s excited.<br /><br />I’ve been working on enriching a chunk of uranium for like three years, and so far, all I’ve managed to do is break a finger. So Iran is definitely ahead of the curve… well, my curve anyway.<br /><br />I hope we have a puppet government set up in Iran already. But some people I know who actually read the news say that Iran is one of the strongest powers in the middle east, so we may not have one set up yet. To this I responded, “Get outta here. I didn’t know that.” The conversation then moved onto the subject of hot women. But for a few seconds there, we were almost topical.<br /><br />If I had a nuclear weapon, I wouldn’t pay any of my bills. I’d be all like, “You can’t shut off my electricity. I have a nuclear bomb. I’ll kill us all.” I’d tell the cable company to give me every deluxe channel package for free. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’d pay for food or consumer goods ever again. You know, I could probably take over the state if it wasn’t for the damn American government. Stupid government. Always ruining my dream of state domination (the world would be too much responsibility).<br /><br />People always talk about what nuclear war would be like. But I don’t think you can actually have a nuclear war. I think instead you would just have a bunch of nuclear explosions. I mean, you can’t have nuclear troops or nuclear tanks or nuclear snipers or anything. Once the war technically starts, it’s not long until it’s over and everyone’s dead. Instead of nuclear war, I think they should call it nuclear genocide. Of course, I’m also waiting for Fox to bring back “Titus” so what the hell do I know?<br /><br />The U.N. Security Council has demanded that Iran end uranium enrichment. They then added, “or else we’ll… shit, what can we do to these guys that hasn’t been done already? Aww fuck. We should have known that world socialism crap would only make the world a worse place. Let’s grab lunch.”<br /><br />Did you know that the sauce for chicken wings comes in the following levels of spicy: mild, medium, hot, fire, atomic and nuclear? You see that? Nuclear’s the hottest one. And, as someone who’s eaten the nuclear wings before, I can only say this: if what happened in my body happens to this world, we’re all screwed.<br /><br />Anyway, good luck enriching that uranium, Iran. First you get the nukes, then you get the power, then you get the hot women.<br /><br />And that’s what it’s all about.

Observations Like a Nitrate-Loaded Diet

<a href="http://www.hollyeats.com/images/Rutt-Pair.jpg"><img style="float:right;width:200px;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="http://www.hollyeats.com/images/Rutt-Pair.jpg" border="0" /></a>Recently, I took an informal poll.

Don’t Steal the Snippets

<a href="http://neighbourhoodwatch.net/local/rubery/burglar.gif"><img style="float:right;width:200px;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="http://neighbourhoodwatch.net/local/rubery/burglar.gif" border="0" /></a>Me: This Steve Hill guy plagiarized Points in Case.<br />Amy: Who’d he steal from?<br />Me: Gaudio, Nelson, Rebello, Chamley, Opp, Curtiss, me… hell it’s easier to say who he didn’t steal from.<br />Amy: Who didn’t he steal from?<br />Me: Beech, Tuckerson and the girls.<br />Amy: Who’s Beech?<br /><br />Me: I like how this plagiarism thing has brought all of the PIC writers together. It’s like, “Gaudio, you got the face. Nelson, grab the rope and tie him up. Chamley, hand me the blowtorch.” It’s nice to have a common enemy. It brings people together.<br />Court: It brings people together?<br />Me: Yeah nothing brings people together like conflict of interest—I mean, interest in conflict.<br />Court: Nice save.<br /><br />Danielle: Why did he only steal from one website? I mean, if I was plagiarizing a whole bunch of articles, I would want to mix it up a little so everything wasn’t obviously from one source.<br />Me: After careful review of the situation, we have determined that he is very stupid. It’s not his fault, though. He never asked to be born.<br />Danielle: That’s very understanding of you.<br />Me: Of course, he never asked to be ripped on by a PIC writer, either. Some things you just can’t control.<br /><br />Amy: Why is everyone so mad about this plagiarist guy? How many articles did he steal?<br />Me: Around twenty. His whole fan base is basically fans of our writing.<br />Amy: Wow. So, he’s essentially living a lie in cyberspace.<br />Me: That would make a great title for a confession page or something. “Living a Lie in Cyberspace.” It’s got a ring to it.<br />Amy: Yeah, so’s your bathtub.<br />Me: Ooh, that one hurt a little.<br /><br />Me: I can believe that he would steal our stuff. But the part I can’t believe is how he commented on it like he owned it. I mean, he eliminated any chance of plausible deniability.<br />Ed: What the hell are you talking about?<br />Me: I was talking about this guy who plagiarized the website I write for.<br />Ed: Oh. My bad. When I heard you talking about it, it sounded more interesting than that.<br />Me: Who the hell are you?<br />Ed: My name’s Ed.<br /><br />Me: Aww, Steve emailed me an apology. Apparently, he took credit for our work because he got caught up in all his positive feedback.<br />Amy: What a dork.<br /><br />Amy: So, is someone gonna write something about how he stole from you guys?<br />Me: I think Gaudio’s on it.<br />Amy: Uh oh. Poor Steve.<br />Me: He’s the one who stole. He pays the price.<br />Amy: Couldn’t you do it? You’re more accepting and compassionate.<br />Me: I’ve met snakes with more compassion than Gaudio. And I already wrote my column. Let the Steve Hill bastard get what he deserves. You gotta have rules.<br />Amy: Hardass.<br /><br />Me: Some guy plagiarized my writing.<br />Emmy: Is he cute?<br />Me: No.<br />Emmy: Then I say you kill him.<br />Me: And if he was cute?<br />Emmy: Well, then you gotta give him a second chance.<br />Me: Naturally.

×Close