Wholeheartedly Endorsed
This morning, while talking on the phone at work, I heard myself say this sentence: “I endorse it wholeheartedly.”
Comedy Writing
Observations for the Fellas
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/tag-729372.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/tag-727792.jpg" border="0" /></a>Gentlemen, if you ever get your own raunchy internet column, do not tell a soul about it. Or else you’ll be lying in bed, covered in sweat, with the sweet feel of a woman caressing you like a flesh blanket when you hear the words, “So, I’m a little bothered by some of the things you write…”<br /><br />I’m only gonna type this once: guys, buy Tag After Hours Body Spray. I’ve been smelled, sniffed and inhaled so much in the last week, I think I know what a dog’s ass feels like. This is not a joke, guys. I’m here to help.<br /><br />The best time to start dating a woman is during the football playoffs. If she still wants to hang out with you after you brushed her off four out of the last five weekends, well you know you’ve found a patient and understanding chick.<br /><br />I used to think that nothing was more awkward than meeting the ex-boyfriend of a girl I’m dating, until I met the guy who put together her bed and he asked me, “So does, it squeak? It may need oil and a couple of those screws may need to be hand tightened.” That is pretty fucking awkward. I mean, if the guy did a good job on the bed (as is the case here), then all you can really do is thank him, which sounds like, “No. It’s fine. You did a great job. Nice and tight.” I mean, what the hell, right?<br /><br />Many people will tell you that taking a date to a wedding is wrong. And maybe that’s true if they’re talking about taking your girlfriend on a date to a wedding. But there is no better first date to take a woman to than a wedding (especially if she doesn’t know anyone there), for several reasons. Here they are:<br /><br />1. It’s an excuse for her to dress up.<br />2. It’s an excuse for her to think about sex.<br />3. People who haven’t seen you in a while are always so happy to see you at a wedding that the chick can’t help but think, “Damn, he must be a great guy. Look how pleased everyone is to talk to him.”<br />4. Weddings are either cheap or free. You can’t go wrong.<br />5. Open bar.<br /><br />There is nothing worse than a man who gets whipped. Now, everyone knows the obvious signs of whipped guy (he won’t go anywhere without her, he calls her before he makes plans, he answers the phone and talks to her during the middle of a live sporting event, he asks her what he’s doing the night you call and ask him, etc, etc, so on and then some), but the fact is, there are leading indicators that will tell you if a guy will become whipped. Here they are.<br /><br />1. He invites you over to watch the game. With her.<br />2. He asks you why you don’t settle down and find a nice girl.<br />3. He goes shopping with her.<br />4. He takes her to and/or picks her up from the airport.<br />5. He casually mentions a new phone, haircut, article of clothing and/or piece of furniture all in the same twenty minutes.<br />6. He says the words, “No more beer, thanks. I’m meeting the girlfriend in an hour.”<br /><br />Keep a look out for these signs, gentleman. And do what you must.<br /><br />And finally, because this is one of those entries where I avoid logic and fluidity like I avoid the florist, I leave you with the following, which my friend Amy said to me:<br /><br />“It really pisses me off that I want to learn how to cook for you.”
Four Lines
When all your stories are told,<br />And all your dreams are over or dead,<br />It matters only what was done,<br />And not what was said.
Picking More Playoff Games
<em>PIC legend and actual sports journalist, Justin Rebello has joined me in picking them games during the post season. The following is Part Two of our </em><a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/2006/01/picking-them-wild-card-games.html"><em>email exchange</em></a><em> (click on that link for Part One).</em><br /><br /><strong>From Nathan DeGraaf<br /></strong><br />Hey Justin, how’s life treating you? Congratulations on going a perfect 4-0 to start the season. As you know, I batted .500 and broke even on my bets, three out of four road teams won, and the guy who approved Carson Palmer’s nine year contract is sweating like R Kelly at a junior high cheerleading camp. What a week. Three lousy blowouts, and the one decent game (Bucs/’Skins) cost the home team the post season. At one point during this mediocre football extravaganza (about the time Madden decided it was time to crack jokes during the Pats/Jags blowout), I actually yielded the remote to the women in the room. That’s symbolism right there. I just gave up.<br /><br />Anyway Justin, I’m not gonna mention your USC comment because I know how it feels. I gave up four months of gambling because of a call I made about the Houston Texans. They won two games all year, and I lost on one of them. Man that hurt. That’s why I’m not bringing up how you practically guaranteed a USC win. I’m a classy guy (and I had to have something to rib you about after last week’s success).<br /><br />Anyway, to answer your questions.<br /><br /><strong>JDR:</strong> Who is the worst coach in the NFL? And you may also include the list of 617 who were fired this past week.<br /><br /><strong>NDG:</strong> Man, I mean, to quote Chandler Bing, “Could that question BE any tougher?” There’s so many to choose from. This is like picking the ugliest playmate of the year, only not nearly as visually satisfying. I started by narrowing the field down to Mike Tice, Mike Martz, Herm Edwards, Jim Haslett, Norv Turner and Dom Capers, and then began eliminating them based on actual stats (I don’t usually do research on the grounds that no one’s paying me for this. So there you go, readers. It’s the playoffs, so we’re pulling out all the clichés, er stops. We’re pulling out all the stops). Martz and Haslett were eliminated from contention first. Martz because he has a really high career win percentage and Haslett because, despite his inept play calling, his inability to get the most from his players and his soft demeanor, he almost has a .500 career record while working for an actual ghoul. I then eliminated Tice if only because he sometimes had a pencil behind his ear (which made him look like my old high school shop teacher) and he didn’t get paid much. Plus, he had no real coaching experience before he started, anyway. So though he really did suck, you could make the argument that he exceeded expectations. So, then I was left with Turner (a career choke artist), Edwards (who may not actual know that clock management is part of coaching an NFL team) and Capers (who for all I know, could be a robot). This was where it got really tough. I couldn’t decide at all. Part of me wanted to skewer Turner and Edwards for wasting talent and give Capers credit for working with the shit team he had. Then I remembered that Capers hasn’t won a post season game and the other two coaches had. Finally, I called up my buddy Tim (who knows his football) and said, “If you had a football team, and you had to choose between Capers, Edwards or Turner as head coaches, who would you choose?”<br /><br />To which he replied, “whoever the offensive coordinator is” and hung up.<br /><br />So, I was back at square one until I realized, you know what, this ain’t brain surgery. I’m calling it a three way tie between the choke artist, the corpse, and the guy who can’t tell time. So that’s my answer. Norv Herman Dom Turner Edwards Capers is the worst coach in football.<br /><br /><strong>JDR:</strong> Say you're Matt Leinart and the Saints draft you. Do you go? Bonus points if you can make fun of hurricane victims.<br /><br /><strong>NDG:</strong> Dude, I live in Florida. As a rule, I don’t make fun of hurricane victims. That’s wrong down here. I mean, “you’ll get your ass kicked for that remark” kind of wrong. And my answer is a strong yes. I know that ownership sucks, that the city is rebuilding and may never regain it’s previous grimy glory, but man, that was one of the coolest towns in the world. So, for sentimental reasons alone, I would go to New Orleans. Now, would I even try to win? Probably not. But everyone in the Quarter would know me on sight and I’d be surrounded by awesome music, great food, and chicks exposing their breasts. I mean, why would you stay away?<br /><br /><strong>JDR:</strong> Have you been watching Madden Nation? Seriously, you need to watch this show.<br /><br /><strong>NDG:</strong> No. I will not watch a show about guys playing video games. You’re the fourth person to suggest this to me, and all of you guys are video game fanatics. When someone finally says to me, “I really like Madden Nation, and I don’t even play video games” then, maybe I will watch it. Until then, I’m sure I’ll have better things to do.<br /><br />Time for my picks.<br /><br /><strong>Washington (+8.5) over SEATTLE<br /></strong>I learned something last week. Joe Gibbs is a genius when it comes to testing the fundamental limits of his team. Sure, it cost me fifty bucks to learn it, but I learned it. I do not expect the ‘Skins to pull this out, but I also do not expect them to lose by 9. This is a scrappy, motivated, challenged team. Coincidently, I wouldn’t bet a cheeseburger on this game. Not even a crappy one.<br /><br /><strong>COLTS (-9.5) over Steelers</strong><br />This was the toughest pick for me. Here’s why I went with the Colts to cover. Manning has lost his mind. He’s no longer the choke artist he used to be. He’s a totally different choke artist. As long as he can air out the ball, as long as his defense can stop the Steeler’s running game, and as long as he can show the emotion he’s been showing all season, he will inspire that Colts team to win. Naturally Justin, much as you are, I’m looking forward to watching Manning self-implode. I just don’t think it’ll happen until the Super Bowl, when the Bears will beat the ever loving crap out of him.<br /><br /><strong>Patriots (+3) over BRONCOS<br /></strong>I’m not picking against the champs for the rest of the playoffs and here’s why. Brady hasn’t lost a playoff game. Read that sentence again. The guy is like 10 – 0 in the postseason. He’s the new Brett Favre; the new sure thing. Hell, he’s the friend who always helps you move and bails you out of jail (without being a jerk about it). He’s Mr. Reliable; I can’t pick against him. It’s just not right. However, due to New England’s recent problems in the thin air, I’m not putting money on this one. I mean, no one’s perfect, right?<br /><br /><strong>BEARS (-3) over Panthers<br /></strong>To quote the place kicker from Necessary Roughness, “Oh yeah, that’s my bitch.” (And yes, I just quoted the crappiest football movie ever and I’m not even remotely bothered by this. Furthermore, I’m not even remotely bothered by the fact that I’m not even remotely bothered by this. So there). I put $100 on this one the minute I saw that spread. The Panthers are a great team but there’re too many mitigating factors here. Factors like the Chicago fans (who will be insane), the weather (which will be frozen-snot cold, most likely), the fact that Jake Delhomme is on the road (always risky) and the fact that Lovie Smith looks like he could beat me in Chess, Scrabble and Billiards, whereas John Fox looks like he couldn’t even sell me a used car at half price. If the Panthers hadn’t played like tackle junkies in the last two games, this spread would be six.<br /><br />All right, I’m throwing the coach question back at you because that wasn’t easy, but I’m not asking you about Madden or New Orleans because I think I got enough hurricane humor from your overtly sensitive <a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/columns/justin/8-31-05.htm">Katrina piece</a> (written before Fats Domino was even found, no less. You shameless bastard. Hey, where’d that soap box come from? My bad) and I’m pretty sure I know your answer to question three. But I do have two new questions for you.<br /><br />1. What was your least favorite announcing moment of Wild Card Week? Mine was at the end of the Pats/Jags blowout, when no one was really watching anymore so John Madden busted out his repertoire of crappy football stories and stale jokes.<br /><br />2. Time to take shots at the Madden family. Eli laid a goose egg against the Panthers. Why do these guys always choke? Is choking genetic? Is it the way they’re raised? I need a ruling on this.<br /><br />Good luck against the Broncos.<br /><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>From Justin Rebello</strong><br /><br />Let me put my Belichick hoodie on.<br /><br />"Four for four in the first weekend... it's good. Obviously we still have to do some work on special teams. We played good. Next week is a big challenge."<br /><br />Ok. Now that that's out of my system, it’s time to continue my kickass postseason. And let me say, this second round should be the Russell to my Wilt or the Ulf Samuelsson to my Cam Neely.<br /><br />First, to answer your questions:<br /><br />1. The worst coach in the NFL is Mike Martz. You can't convince me otherwise. He strikes me as the type of guy that plays Madden and throws Hail Marys on every down, and you're yelling at him: "Dude, they've completely revamped the defense. You can't play that way anymore!" You think him and Bush are in the same book club? Oh right, you're from Florida. Sorry to insult YOUR president.<br /><br />2. I didn't catch a chance to hear much of the announcing because I was at work and watched both Saturday games on mute. However, I can't imagine Madden topping anything said by the dream team of Mike Patrick-Paul Maguire-Joe Theisman. Listening to these three is like being in fourth grade again and dealing with the kids who barely know how to read trying to read aloud. You just put your head down and pray they can get through it, until the teacher mercifully has them stop after two sentences, during which they turned "rabbit" into a six syllable word.<br /><br />3. See, as a Red Sox fan, I'm compelled to avoid dubbing a series of misfortunes as a curse. I think a more apt comparison is to see how certain families are all fat. Other families are all nerdy. Other families are all black. The Manning family, then, are all losers. Every time I see them together, all I can think of is the O'Doyle family in <em>Billy Madison</em>. You know, "O'Doyle Rules!" They just say it over and over. Why? Why do you rule? The Mannings don't rule. Eli is just the latest example. Peyton's choke job this month will be another. But we're getting ahead of ourselves.<br /><br />Ok, the picks.<br /><br /><strong>Washington (+8.5) over SEATTLE</strong><br />The Seahawks are rapidly turning into the Atlanta Braves. You see them and go, "Hey they won their division and they look pretty solid." Then the playoffs start and they have all the composure of Gary Glitter at church. Do you trust Matt Hasselbeck? Even for a second? And suppose you stack the line to stop Alexander (a Redskin specialty). Do the Seahawks even remotely resemble a Super Bowl team? Nope. BAM! Upset.<br /><br /><strong>CHICAGO (-3) over Carolina</strong><br />A couple of things. Let's play a game called "Suppose the Giants have a competent QB". Now, suppose the Giants had a competent QB last week. What happens? Personally, I think the Panthers still give them a little Boy from Happiness-style treatment. It was truly special to watch Carolina just take everything away from the Giants, Tiki, and Eli Eli Uh-Oh. With that said, Chicago looks to be the real deal.<br /><br /><strong>Pittsburgh (+9.5) over INDY</strong><br />Love this spread. I think Pitt has a chance to beat Indy or at least make it close. A couple of things have to happen first. A) Ben Roethlisberger has to stop playing playoff games looking like Scotty Smalls in his first day of spring training. B) Pittsburgh cannot afford to fall behind. If the Colts score a TD first, it's over. C) Just blitz the hell out of Peyton Manning. All day. Even if the Colts are ahead. You could mess with his psyche, make him do the whole "Hey rest of team, why are you letting me shit the bed like this?" routine, or even better, injure him, which might cause the entire faction of the football world that supports the Colts and doesn't know jack about the game to collectively shit themselves. Just thinking about it makes me smile.<br /><br /><strong>New England (+3) over DENVER</strong><br />Ugh. The toughest game ever. On the one hand, I picked Denver to win the AFC. On the other hand, the QB matchup is all New England. On another hand, Mile High has always given the Pats fits. On yet another hand, the coaching matchup is all New England. On a freakish other hand, Denver's D is real good. On a foot, the Pats D is pretty solid, too. I finally decided to play the Life Test on this game. If I had to bet my life on this game, who would I take? And the answer, simply, is New England. At some point, this miracle run by the Pats will end, but I'm sorry, I don't see Mike Shanahan and Jake Plummer as the ones to do it.<br /><br /><em>Post Season Records:<br /><br />Rebello: 4-0<br />DeGraaf: 2-2<br />Opp: 1-3</em>
Exterminate Your Snippets
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/ant-714684.gif"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/ant-712280.gif" border="0" /></a>Me: Wow. I’m glad you came over unannounced, but I wasn’t planning on this. God, how can I say this without sounding crass?
Observations like a $25 Haircut
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/velcro-744688.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/velcro-742565.jpg" border="0" /></a>The fact that there are attractive, promiscuous women out there who bounce from one sexually unfulfilling relationship to another is part of the reason why I bother making money.<br /><br />When one of your male friends suggests a body spray or cologne for you, well, it’s probably not a good sign.<br /><br />I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, four hours of uninterrupted post-coital sleep beats ten hours of post-drinking sleep any night.<br /><br />All right, no one has asked so I guess I have to be the one to do it. Why didn’t Velcro tennis shoes catch on? It’s easier than tying shoes, right?<br /><br />I was reading Details Magazine in a salon while waiting for my $25 haircut when I came across an article about how the male chromosome (the y chromosome) is degenerating more with each generation, and how genetics may be playing a part in causing this whole metrosexual movement. I thought that was totally absurd until I realized that I was reading Details Magazine. In a salon. While waiting for a $25 haircut. You may feel free to bitch slap me on sight.<br /><br />Here are the top five best things that the male host of a dinner can say.<br /><br />1. You want a beer?<br />2. You a football fan?<br />3. How do you like your steak cooked?<br />4. I have free passes to that strip club. You want some?<br />5. Dude, I have the most complete double d porn collection ever. And I mean, ever.<br /><br />And finally, because this is another one of those entries where I shave logic and fluidity from my head, only to watch them fall on the floor and be swept up by a 16 year old girl, I leave you with the following, which I overheard during a heated discussion at the Classy Dance Bar:<br /><br />“Look, I only cheated on you while I was out of town. What’s the big deal?”<br /><br />And yes, a woman said that. God bless America.
Seriously, I’m a Humor Writer
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/cap-gown-744544.gif"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/cap-gown-740050.gif" border="0" /></a>Being funny is hard. My whole life, I’ve been many things, but never really funny.
Happy Days for Now
<a href="http://www.ucalgary.ca/~ekowch/p/graphics/nickleback.jpg"><img style="float:right;width:200px;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="http://www.ucalgary.ca/~ekowch/p/graphics/nickleback.jpg" border="0" /></a>You guys have no idea how happy I am right now. I mean, I’m freaking grinning from ear to ear. I woke up today in a good mood because a) the week has been a fantastic mix of great living, loving, partying and drinking and b) it’s Friday, and for us nine-to-fivers of the world (God bless the working stiff!), that still means something and c) the playoffs are coming, the playoffs are coming, the playoffs are coming. So I’m freaking thrilled. And since I know that you know that I know that it really is the little things in life that make us happy, let’s take a look at the top ten little things that helped make this week great.<br /><br /><strong>10. I watched the Trojans lose the National Championship because they were stupid.<br /></strong>I don’t know why, but watching an overrated, over-hyped team lose a game because they’re morons is like watching the wheels fall off Saddam Hussein’s tricycle while he’s riding it. Just great times all around.<br /><br /><strong>9. I won $375 gambling on football.</strong><br />I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the movie, <em>Color of Money</em> but you should. In that movie, Paul Newman (as the aging Fast Eddie Felson) states the following, “money won is twice as sweet as money earned.” He’s right. I mean, there’s something gratifying about cashing a paycheck from a hard week’s work—you know, that “Wow, I earned this” feeling—but there’s something, well, let’s just call it “grossly rewarding”… Yeah, that’s it. There’s something grossly rewarding about winning money. It just feels really good, like really, really good (just gross amounts of good right there) and it actually is monetarily rewarding. So it’s grossly rewarding. I like that. I think that’s how it feels, and if you disagree, well fuck you.<br /><br />There, I said it. I hope you’re happy, Jerk.<br /><br /><strong>8. And nobody I know got killed today in South Central LA.</strong><br />I gotta say it was a good day. I didn’t even have to use my A.K. (Remember when Ice Cube was tough?)<br /><br /><strong>7. I haven’t heard that stupid Nickelback song once this week.</strong><br />You know the song. You know you hate it. You know a piece of you dies every time someone plays that song on a jukebox at a pub causing three or four dumb girls to say, “Ooh, I love this song,” while you glance around for the sharpest implement on which you could impale yourself, lest you hear that piece of crap song one more time. “Look at this photograph...” No! And you can’t make me. God, I hate that song. And you hate it, too. (This is just one of those things I have to accept as universally true. This song sucks, and we all know it. There will be no debate. Keep this line moving, thank you very much.)<br /><br /><strong>6. Highs were in the 70s; lows in the 50s</strong><br />Sure, it’s getting cold now. And I’ll be shivering this weekend. But the week has just been beautiful. Beautiful. One might even say “grossly beautiful” but one never wants to push it.<br /><br />Or does one?<br /><br /><strong>5. Every pair of socks I’ve put on this week has been brand new.</strong><br />Thanks Mom and Dad. If I were a billionaire, I’d wear new socks every day I had to wear socks. I mean, why not, right?<br /><br /><strong>4. I adopted a Malaysian girl.</strong><br />Just kidding. I wanted to make sure you were still paying attention.<br /><br /><strong>3. I ate steak twice this week.</strong><br />I mean, that’s a great feeling. Two medium rare porterhouses in the same week. That’s America, right there.<br /><br /><strong>2. I found $20 on the ground.<br /></strong>This was the coolest thing. I was visiting one of my favorite parks (Lettuce Lake Park in Tampa) where I reached down to pick up a can that some disgusting bastard had tossed into nature, and underneath it was an old vinyl wallet with no identification of any kind and a wet twenty dollar bill. To borrow a phrase from Eric Cartman, “Sweet.”<br /><br /><strong>1. I got two free Cuban sandwiches for lunch.</strong><br />And these were quality, could-have-been-from-straightoutta-Lil-Havanna-in-Miami type sandwiches. Just damn good eats.<br /><br />And so to recap, sometimes it’s the little things like steak, sandwiches, successful wagers and new socks. And sometimes it’s the big things like sex, football and playoff football weekends. But sometimes, when the stars align the right way for you, well, you get both the little things and the big things working right.<br /><br />And the next thing you know, you’re looking in the mirror and wondering how you earned that shit-eating grin, half-knowing that it won't last because all good times end.<br /><br />Happy weekend, peoples. Here's to you and yours.
Picking them Wild Card Games
<a href="http://media.scout.com/Media/Player/57067_carsonPalmer200.JPG"><img style="float:right;width:200px;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="http://media.scout.com/Media/Player/57067_carsonPalmer200.JPG" border="0" /></a>The playoffs are here and all across America, bookies are smiling from ear to ear in anticipation of taking my money. In addition to my money, they’ll probably be taking your hard earned Johnny Cash as well. You see, it’s tough to bet on the playoffs. The level of play rises, the mistakes are magnified, and there’re only four games for us to gamble on at the most each week (which gives Vegas more time to analyze each game and set the appropriate spread). Clearly, the playoffs require a special effort rarely seen in the regular season.<br /><br />So, to symbolize the all-or-nothing mentality of the playoffs, I’m not picking these games alone. That’s right, sports fans, PIC legend and actual sports journalist, Justin Rebello is back to answer questions, make his picks and insult… well, whoever and whatever he wants (that’s his style. And, according to the last time I read the constitution, it’s also his right). Anyway, first I’ll pick them games, then I’ll ask Justin a few questions, then he’ll do the same, and then I’ll make fun of his lousy picks. Eventually this will turn into an all out blood-feud that leaves thousands of people literally wondering what happened to the last few minutes of their lives. Anyway, let’s get to the picks, huh?<br /><br /><strong>BUCCANEERS (-2½) over Redskins<br /></strong>Don’t you get the feeling that Joe Gibbs and John Gruden, if they drank together in a bar, would arm wrestle for the tab, with Gruden winning easily and Gibbs holding his right shoulder afterwards and saying something to the effect of, “Twenty years ago I could have taken you”? That’s how I see this game breaking out. Twenty years ago, Gibbs would have won. Not this Saturday, though. And yes, I put $50 on this.<br /><br /><strong>Jaguars (+7½) over PATRIOTS</strong><br />Before you get pissed off, New England fans, please note that I fully expect the Patriots to win with one of those two minute drives that ends with a Vinatieri field goal (I think Brady and Vinatieri may have trademarked this, by the way). But the Jags have been underrated all season. They covered about six spreads for me this year, and there’s something to be said for loyalty. Now, all that being typed out, I did not put any money on this game.<br /><br /><strong>Panthers (+3) GIANTS</strong><br />Deciding between Jake Delhomme and Eli Manning is like picking between ‘N Synch and the Back Street Boys. Either way, you sell tickets, but well… you won’t go very far for very long. I’m taking the Panthers because Delhomme has been there before. I guess that means something (note: I’m not betting this one either).<br /><br /><strong>Steelers (-3) Over BENGALS</strong><br />Now we’re talking. An ancient rivalry between a battle tested team and a bunch of flaky dreamers with names like Carson and Chad. Let me tell you something: Carson and Chad always get their asses kicked by the Bens and Jeromes of this world. It’s a rule. That’s why I put $50 on this one as well.<br /><br />Mr. Rebello, if you would submit your picks and then answer the following and then wrap this up with a nice little bow like Joe Buck put on the box that held the Tiffany diamond-encrusted-watch he and McCarver bought Derek Jeter after their voyage on the Blue Oyster Man-Love-Cruise (I got the first McCarver insult of the email exchange. Take that, Rebello!), I would be much obliged.<br /><br />My prediction for the Super Bowl is Colts versus Bears. It should be an interesting one, if you like blowouts. Justin, what’s your prediction for the Super Bowl?<br /><br />Bill Simmons wrote often about his five year grace period (he stated that, if your team wins a championship, you have five years until you can bitch about the team again). As a Buc’s fan whose team won the Super Bowl four years ago, I can honestly say that it’s almost impossible to go five years without bitching about a losing team. I know you’re aware of this grace period, so please tell me some examples of hard times you’ve been having watching your championship teams and trying not to complain. That’d be nice.<br /><br />Do you think Mikey is gay? Seriously, I’m starting to wonder.<br /><br />What was your favorite story of the NFL regular season? Personally, I like the whole “our fans are banning together to get our lousy GM fired” thing going on in Detroit. But I’m a sucker for mutiny.<br /><br /><strong>From Justin Rebello<br /></strong><br />NDUG, sup?<br /><br />I can't even believe we're trying this again. The last two times we did these little blog battles, we both ended up crying about our shitty baseball teams and you were standing outside my window with binoculars, frantically sending me the same email: "So seriously, what would be your ideal sports bar? I know you can hear me. I will not be ignored!" This time, let's see if we can at least make it until conference championships, eh? OK, here we go. I'll answer your questions in garbled order first, then the picks.<br /><br /><a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/rebello-748421.jpg"><img style="float:left;cursor:hand;margin:0 10px 10px 0;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/rebello-736742.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />Yes. Mikey is gay. In fact, I would describe him as Brokeback Mountainy.<br /><br />My favorite story from the regular season is Clinton Portis having to dress up as superhero characters at his press conferences just so everyone forgets (at least for a second) how inconsistent of a back he is. I'm dying to see LaMont Jordan in drag next year.<br /><br /><br />The five-year grace period, by Simmons' definition, is idiotic. The Pats have won three titles in four years, so by my count, they could go 0-240 over the next 15 years and I'm not supposed to be upset. I can see being a little more relaxed, but to say you're not allowed to bitch if your team sucks after winning a title, I mean, what's the point of following a team if that's the case? I think Simmons just invented it to shut up annoying Yankees fans.<br /><br />As for the Super Bowl, I like Indy and Seattle, because I don't really understand football. I have a fantasy team and know Shaun Alexander and Peyton Manning are both very good. I also don't listen when people tell me coaching and defense wins championships. I also haven't noticed that both teams live to die in January. I also listen to everything Mark Schlereth tells me about the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. I'm also very sarcastic.<br /><br />Denver vs. Chicago on Feb. 5. Print it.<br /><br /><strong>Redskins (+2½) over BUCS</strong><br />As long as we're completely ripping off Simmons here, allow me to make this time-honored joke: SIMMS! BRUNELL! It's Wild Card Weekend on FOX! So anyway, this has the potential to be the most boring way to spend 2.5 hours this side of a George Clooney-Matt Damon oil trading movie. And since everyone and their mother expects a defensive struggle, I'm going the other way and predicting some kind of offensive fiasco, one of those games you turn on in the fourth quarter and see Brunell has four TDs and is passing for 350 yards, and gamblers all across the country are tossing their UNDER receipts at their starving four-year-old kids. I love America.<br /><br />I kind of want to pick the Bucs if only because it'll keep you interested in this shit longer and Jon Gruden's actually won a Super Bowl since <em>Dog's Eye View</em>. But I don't see it. Not after what the Pats did to the Bucs three weeks ago, and not after what the ‘Skins did the last month of the year. One final note. Some lady called the Globe on Monday and asked me what the Tampa Bay running back's real first name is. And seriously, I was this close to saying "It's not Cadillac?" What can I say except "Fuck the NFC"?<br /><br /><strong>Panthers (+3) over GIANTS</strong><br />Part of me, as a fervent Peyton Manning hater, would love to see Eli and the Giants roll through the playoffs and win a Super Bowl. Wouldn't it be hysterical to watch Eli hold the trophy in some family picture with Peyton holding another worthless MVP award? It would be like the scene in Everybody Loves Raymond where Robert buys Ray that sweet toy plane and Ray buys Robert golf balls. Just thinking about it is almost enough to make me root for a New York team. Not quite, but almost.<br /><br />Anyway, even though Carolina is neck and neck with Seattle as the worst serious Super Bowl contender, I'll take a solid defense, outstanding coach and a Super Bowl QB over an overrated tight end, a crappy kicker, a bitch of a QB and a running back named Tiki.<br /><br /><strong>Steelers (-3) Over BENGALS</strong><br />The easiest game on the board. As much as I love Carson and Chad (which I think is premiering as part of NBC's new Super Thursday at some point), I'll take the great D and running corps. Oh yeah, and the team that didn't lose to KC by 41 points. Seriously, do you think the Steel is really going to allow the Bungles to beat them in a playoff game? Wouldn't that be a little like Cam'Ron outselling DMX?<br /><br /><strong>PATRIOTS (-7.5) over Jacksonville</strong><br />First, a few thoughts on the Pats game last week. Don't know if you realized this, but the Pats officially became a dynasty on Sunday. When you lose a game to Miami and everyone (and I mean, everyone) assumes you did it on purpose to get a better playoff matchup, well that says something.<br /><br />And second, I'm from New England. I love the Pats. I love Flutie. With that said, who gives a rats ass about that extra point play last week? What is this? NFL Blitz?<br /><br />Ok, on to the game. After the Pats loss matched them up with the Jags, everyone in Boston started playing the whole "easy matchup" card. And that got me thinking, Jax is 12-4. Are they really this bad? Turns out they have a very good defense and running game, and a pair of QBs who don't screw things up. So on Sunday, I said, nay. The Jags will win next week.<br /><br />So then Wednesday rolls around and everyone in Jacksonville is bitching about respect, leading up to Jimmy Smith's soon-to-be infamous line "They'll know us when we beat them." Because it's always smart to give a two-time defending Super Bowl champ some bulletin board material. So now, with all the bitching about Jacksonville getting zero respect, everyone is on board their bandwagon. It happens that fast. It's like how in the past two weeks everyone forgot how much better USC is and picked Texas, again because of the respect issue. (Justin's Note: this was written on Wednesday, so if in fact USC loses, completely disregard this and anything else I ever have to say about football). Finally, I decided. You know what? Fuck it. I'm picking the champs.<br /><br />Three Qs for you, kind sir.<br /><br />1. Who is the worst coach in the NFL? And you may also include the list of 617 who were fired this past week.<br /><br />2. Say you're Matt Leinart and the Saints draft you. Do you go? Bonus points if you can make fun of hurricane victims.<br /><br />3. Have you been watching Madden Nation? Seriously, you need to watch this show.
Signature Snippets
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/electricguitar-790586.jpg"><span style="font-family:arial;"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/electricguitar-785687.jpg" border="0" /></span></a><span style="font-family:arial;">Stacey: What are you thinking right now? Oh God, don’t look at me like that. I know that’s such a cliché question and so stupid. I’m sorry.<br />Me: No problem.<br />Stacey: But seriously, what are you thinking about, right now?<br />Me: I’m trying to think of a column topic. The hardest part is coming up with the idea.<br />Stacey: Well, it’s obviously not the writing.<br />Me: Everyone’s a critic.<br /><br />Me: The way these two teams are playing right now, I wish a bomb would destroy the whole field so we could unconsciously sugarcoat how god-awful this game was, you know, to preserve the memory of the dead players.<br />Craig: That’s Nate’s language for, “This game sucks.”<br /><br />Stacey: How many children do you want?<br />Me: How many you got?<br /><br />Me: It’s good to see you’re still single and don’t have any children. Everyone else is married and has kids.<br />Ryan: Way to go. Now you just fucking jinxed me. I hope you’re ready to be an usher at my wedding soon, asshole.<br /><br />Stacey: You ever think about learning an instrument?<br />Me: Sometimes.<br />Stacey: I think you should play the guitar. It’s sexy, and you’d look good with one.<br />Me: This is the part of the conversation where I turn the television back on.<br /><br />Me: How come everyone always just assumes that whenever I go out, there’s a strong possibility I could end up in jail?<br />Mom: Nate. Come on now, honey. I raised you. I’m speaking from experience, here.<br /><br />Stacey: So, I think you should use this body spray, then accent it with this cologne. It could be your signature scent.<br />Me: My what?<br />Stacey: Your signature scent. You know, the smell that defines you.<br />Me: It’s times like this I wish I could make myself fart on cue.<br /><br />Me: So, does your fiancée know the kind of stuff we did when we were kids?<br />Aaron: Oh yeah, she knows all about how we spent our youth volunteering at the local churches.<br />Me: I get it. I get it. My mouth is closed.<br />Aaron: No stories.<br />Me: Not even the one about the time you got arrested for driving drunk on the train tracks?<br />Aaron: Especially not the one about the time—Hi, honey—you hooked up with that stupid slut.<br />Kelly: What?<br />Aaron: I’m just trying to steer Nate into the world of respectful conversation. I don’t want his odd lifestyle to ruin our night out.<br />Me: I’ll be good I promise.<br />Kelly: Oh, you couldn’t really bother me. I have three brothers.<br />Me: Any of ‘em get a DUI while driving on train tracks?<br />Kelly: Uh, no…<br /><br />Stacey: What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?<br />Me: Today?<br />Stacey: No, in your whole life.<br />Me: Wow, that’s kind of a tough question. I’ve done a lot of stupid things. I couldn’t even begin to tell you. I wouldn’t know where to start.<br />Stacey: Yeah, that’s what every girl wants to hear… dumbass.<br />Me: See? I did it again. </span>
Research Papers
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/paper-773455.gif"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/paper-771568.gif" border="0" /></a><em>Nate's note: For the conception of this essay I must thank Ben Ernst because, quite frankly, I stole the idea from him.</em><br /><br />The research paper, as it exists at the collegiate level, is nothing more than a transfer of information, and therefore not a legitimate learning experience. The guidelines for a research paper usually appear as follows: write a specific number of pages on a specific topic with a specific number of sources. Within these guidelines, all hopes for a reasonably creative topic meet decimation. One cannot write a comprehensive, creative, cohesive paper if one must worry about the paper’s length, the paper’s number of sources (which are usually required to appear within the paper) or the paper’s specific topic. (Granted, many professors omit the latter requirement from research papers, but we all can’t major in education.) Restrictions only limit the possibilities—that is the reason for their invention. Criminals receive limitations and restrictions to deter them from undertaking criminal actions. Athletes must comply with restrictions and/or limitations to deter them from undertaking un-sports-man-like activities. Apparently, college professors use restrictions and limitations to deter their students from undertaking the laborious task of writing research papers (after all, they can be purchased). There must be another way.<br /><br />The average student, receiving the average research paper guidelines, reacts in a typical fashion. First, the student selects a topic (if such a possibility exists) based usually on the topics level of facility; i.e. “can this paper be written with practically no trouble at all?” Once the student has achieved this frame of mind, he or she is prepared for the boredom and monotony that accompanies research papers. The average student, having access to a library, checks out five or six books which are usually, at best, remotely related to each other. For example, as I heard one rather interesting young student say in The USF Library, “These solid chunks of antiquated information were on the same shelf and they all have the word ‘Japan’ in the title. Let’s go. I’ve got my sources.” Seeing as how the professor is not worried about the content of the books, only that a specific number be used, the student need not worry about the importance of his sources. Obviously, bullshit begets bullshit, as the student discovers when he or she finally sits down to write.<br /><br />Writing a research paper is pointless. The student reads material which was re-written by some author, who had himself researched the topic using someone else’s research as a basis. So, after our hero has finally read all that can be stomached, he or she must sit down and decide which information they must steal, just as the author of their newly acquired information had done, just as the authors of the references cited in the student’s s book had done, and so on and so forth. Before writing on the computer, of course, the student draws out an outline and perhaps a few rough drafts. Soon he or she concludes that they either have too much or too little information for the topic, but they do not stop. No sir. Research papers have due dates, and that’s quite fitting, for without due dates professors would collectively receive zero papers and students would have the time to make money (which, ironically enough, is why they go to college). So the student bullshits the paper, which is to say, the assignment is either filled with quotes and information that is entirely unrelated to the topic (i.e. filler), or all of the information is summarized in much the fast-paced, slick, high-tempo fashion of the USA Today. Either way, it does not matter, because the professors rarely take the time to actually read the papers. They receive hundreds of them in one day, and in one week, they form a definite and final conclusion about the validity of those papers. More often than not, a teacher’s assistant (who actually has less free time than the average college student) grades the assignments with a certain, apathetic and monotonous regard for the papers’ overall academic importance unbecoming a person whose interest lie in the very field of education. After the paper is turned in, the information is forgotten, the topic is forgotten, and, sometime after the paper’s return, the very point of the entire exercise is forgotten. So it goes.<br /><br />A research paper, if this were a perfect world, would have a guideline as follows: select a topic in which you are interested that relates to this course, be concise, be coherent, be complete. Use outside sources if necessary.<br /><br />If assigned-research-papers could follow the guideline above, the students and teachers would both discover an advantage. The students could study what they wanted, as little or as much, and address a topic in which they may have some knowledge or at least some interest. The teachers would receive papers that surprise them, and may take some interest in actually reading them. Some times, we get so caught up in routines, that we forget the goals for which those routines were formed. The research paper was designed to teach us, not to burden us.
Three Lines
People ask me why I make no sense.<br />I say,<br />I speak from experience.