Your Son Got a Sip of Dad’s Heineken and It’s Affecting His Performance in 3rd Grade
When learning how to read an analog clock. He raised his hand and guessed the time was “beer thirty.” It was 11:18 AM.
Nathaniel Brown is a humor writer and stand-up comedian based in Louisville with his wife, dog, and tortoise. His work has appeared in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Slackjaw, The Daily Drunk, and others.
When learning how to read an analog clock. He raised his hand and guessed the time was “beer thirty.” It was 11:18 AM.
Just goes to show you what 520 calories and 24 grams of protein per sandwich can do for your kids.
You scrolled your own Instagram profile for 3 hours last week. You will never get that time back.
Looking back, I can see it was I, not yo momma, who is so dumb that I stood on a chair to raise my IQ.
By the time I’m through with your tokens, they will be funged beyond recognition. I disrupt the blockchain. I drink your milkshake. I funge your tokens.
Q: Do I have to call Pete Davidson "Dad"? A: No one will ever replace your biological father, but Pete Davidson will be around to keep your mom company.
Error: Place all scanned items in the bagging area, even the 50-pound bag of dog food. Figure it out. The rules of our game have been made very clear.
Learning how to pick locks has really opened up a lot of doors for me.
It’s crazy how divided this world has become since Pangea.
I’m built different. Worse.
I’m vegan which means when I go out to eat with my family I get something with tofu instead of the respect of my grandfather.
The Olympics are kinda cute. It’s just one country saying, “Do you guys wanna come over and play some games?”
“Respect adults” was probably the weirdest rule we were given as kids, knowing what I now know about adults.
I would do anything to be a morning person except effectively manage my time.
Explaining the symbols on a map is the stuff of legends.
You know what’s weird? The misspelling of wired.