Happenstance, PA

My sense of humor can be summarized with one joke: Q: Why does 6 hate 7? A: Because 7 8 out 9.

Comedy Writing

The Virgin, Part 3

How well does a contract to have sex hold up? Find out when it all comes down to a night at the Slumberland Motel, Room 8.

The Virgin, Part 2

A depressing trip to The Great Death Orgy in Atlanta leads to a discussion with a famous virgin, novelist Russell Bright, who has his own biological theories for saving his sperm.

The Virgin, Part 1

There was no use. Nothing you did was sexy. You were a Virgin. With a capital fucking V, you said. Those girls were fucking guys like that William Hornsby, not you.

Puberty

I was lonely and chubby and sick of the hopeless feelings after masturbation, the heart-lock of hormones pulsing through my brain, the girls smiling at each other but never at me.

I Want to Kill an Animal

I've always wanted to kill an animal with my bare hands. But I want a challenge, not some weak animal coming at me half-assed. That's why I want to kill a wolf.

Tuesdays with Hipsterchick

<p><strong>Tuesday #1</strong></p> <p>NG: Thanks for meeting with me on such a short notice.</p> <p>TR: Oh it's no problem. I'm only gonna die in like...thirty-five days. Thanks for writing me down on paper. Immortalizing me. No biggie.</p> <p>NG: If it makes you feel any better, thirty-five days is a fucking <em>perfect</em> timeline for me.</p> <p>TR: Perfect? What? Why? </p>

A Guy’s Guide to Not Being a Girl (By a Creep)

<p><a href="/user/421" title="Ali Wisch | PIC Writer">Ali Wisch is a cute girl</a>. Right? I mean, I've never met the bitch in person but look at that picture: cute as a button on a bug's rug. Now, I know what you're thinking and this is not some weird e-verbal gangbang for Ali's self-image. You should've been able to tell from the onset that this isn't me kissing her ass—or at least from the usage of the word, "bitch." (Which I use generally, in any case, when talking about a woman I'll never meet)—this is the truth. </p>

My Last Column

The mother of the 2008 WVU Homecoming Queen fires up all cylinders and attacks NG Hatfield, author of an article lambasting WVU Homecomings...in 2007.

Rat Belly

<p>Yep, I've been away for awhile. I told Court that I'll be vacationing until I get all of this Grad School bullshit over with. But, I'm still an attention whore. I've worked on a little comedy story for your enjoyment. Let me know what you think.</p>

×Close