Happenstance, PA

My sense of humor can be summarized with one joke: Q: Why does 6 hate 7? A: Because 7 8 out 9.

Comedy Writing

Pickles

Andy: Whatcha eatin?<br />Nick: A pickle.<br />Andy: Why?<br />Nick:...Because pickles taste good?<br />Andy: I don't eat them.<br />Nick: And I care why?<br />Andy: Well, it's just... I think they look like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cock. <br />Nick: ...<br />Andy: And I bet they feel like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cock on your tongue, too.

American Gratuity: 21 Things I’ve Learned in 21 Years

<p><strong>1<br /></strong>You have a better chance of being <br />the Antichrist<br />than you do of winning <br />the lottery.<br /><br /><strong>2<br /></strong>When you got nothing<br />left <br /><br />you still got <br />whiskeydick.<br /><br /><strong>3<br /></strong>Don't butter your poptarts<br />before they<br />toast!<br /><br /><strong>4

An Open Memo to 85% of the Girls in My Classes

Dear Sluts,<br /><br />Take off the Ugg boots, the windshield wiper sunglasses and the Flintstone skirts. Stop going to a tanning bed. Stop bleaching your hair. Stop getting drunk and sucking every dick in the room. And for Christ sake, read a fucking book. <br /><br />Cosmo doesn't count.<br />Glamour doesn't count. <br />Teen Vogue DOESN'T FUCKING COUNT.<br />

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