I Am Your Super-Thin, Yellowing, Old Bed Pillow—Please Put Me Out of My Misery
Me, a sweat-stained, yellowing bed pillow. You, a 42-year-old single man that clearly hasn't lived with a woman since moving out of his mom’s place.
Comedy Writing
Stop Blaming Boomers Because the Janitor We Immolated is Trying to Murder You in Your Dreams
We couldn’t have possibly known the janitor would return as a scarred ghoul hellbent on murdering teens. And besides, they’re YOUR dreams!
I Found a Bar Where Everybody Knows My Name, but They’ve Been Chanting It for the Last Three Hours and Won’t Stop
Just over and over again, and it’s been like three hours. Or possibly thousands of years, time sort of has no meaning here.
I Didn’t Join This Dodgeball League for Christian Singles to Make Friends
I like to say we should glorify God in everything we do, but is it really “glorifying” the Lord when you’re sucking major ass in the dodgeball arena?
Wedding Vows Written by the World’s Worst Podcaster
Kara, from today onward, you and I will be one in heart, body, and mind. Hey, can we curse on this thing?
This Car Sticker of Guns Is My Family, and It Is Just as Sad as It Sounds
My sticker is hilarious because instead of a normie cartoon of my nonexistent wife and darling children, I’ve got two big guns.
So You’re Telling Me a Shrimp Fried This Rice, Stole Your Credit Card, Then Spent a Thousand Dollars at a Strip Club?
So first you met a crustacean down at the beach and the two of you “really hit it off.” Let’s unpack that a bit.
I’m the “Him” From the “Trainers HATE Him” Ads, and I’m Sorry
I must confess: I'm the "him" that personal trainers hate from all those ads. I stumbled upon a simple trick to cruise past weightlifting plateaus and gain 42 pounds of muscle in just one month.