Hey, I won't be mad at ya if you peruse my comedy a bit. -Saying what you think you don't think. Paul Frank has written more comedy than your grandma's had periods. Paul Frank is a mystical creature like leprochauns, midgets, and MILFs. He lives solely on a diet of vodka, Hot Pockets, and milk-less cereal.

Comedy Writing

One Child Left Behind (w/ VIDEO)

Here is a video I wrote, directed, and edited. I also starred in it along with Ashley Fonstad. You don't know her, but you kind of know me, so.... I hope you enjoy it. I really popped my collar for this one, literally and figuratively.

Out of My Mind…Onto PIC

When I die, I don't want to die like every other pussy. I wanna die like Evel Knievel. Actually, wait, Evel Knievel died in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.

Rosie O’Donnell Pick-Up Lines

<em>Use these lines if you ever want to try to get with Rosie O'Donnell!</em> * Are you legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day! Just kidding, because you're fat. * That outfit would look even better crumpled up next to my bed...because it would mean you changed into a paper bag that covers up your whole face and body.

My Thoughts Return

I bet Picasso's friends didn't get mad at him when he drew dicks on their face when they passed out early at parties. How come you never see really extreme public displays of affection? Like anal sex in the park? Or a gangbang in a third-grade classroom? I wonder if the Church Channel had problems coming up with material during the Writer's Strike...

Awkward Times for an Intervention

<p>* You come home and have to pee really bad and your friends and family are there waiting for you in the bathroom </p><p>* When you bring your new girlfriend home to meet your parents </p><p>* When you're mistaken for someone else who the intervention is intended for </p><p>* When you only do OxyContin for fun, it's not a problem, I swear </p>

Quotes from My Dentist

"If you don't take care of your teeth, I'm going to take care of your grandma...with a knife." "Your teeth make my daughter cry...and then I hit her...and then I start crying. It's a vicious cycle. Brush your teeth, faggot." "I fucking hate you MORE than I hate cavities...and I hate cavities alot, okay?" "Iraq, terrorists, 9/11, your teeth. What do they have in common? Everything."

Cable News Network

<em>September 11th, 2001. Two planes have just struck the World Trade Center buildings.</em><br /><br /><em>Smoldering, burning, collapsing. Screams and noise everywhere. Fear and utter panic rule the air. A state of shock sweeps over New York City. A city in shambles. No one knows what to do.</em><br />

The Delivery Room

<em>A delivery room. A woman has just given birth to a beautiful baby girl. Smiles all around. The doctor holds the baby up triumphantly and then gives her to the woman, presumably the baby’s mother.</em>

The Neighborhood

<em>A knock on a door. A female in her mid-twenties answers.</em><br /><br />"Hello, ma'am. I have to walk around the neighborhood and get signatures for this sheet."<br /><br />"Why?"<br /><br /><em>He sighs.</em> "I'm a convicted baby drowner, and I'm moving into the neighborhood."<br /><br />" <em>'Baby drowner?'</em> So didja drown lots a' babies?"<br />

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