Hey, I won't be mad at ya if you peruse my comedy a bit. -Saying what you think you don't think. Paul Frank has written more comedy than your grandma's had periods. Paul Frank is a mystical creature like leprochauns, midgets, and MILFs. He lives solely on a diet of vodka, Hot Pockets, and milk-less cereal.

Comedy Writing

Everyone’s High-Fiving Except for You

Everywhere, everyone is high-fiving, all the time. All the jocks and popular kids who used to make fun of you in high school are all in a room somewhere right now, high-fiving each other.

Dungeons & Dragons & Women

<p>There will be rare moments in your life (or lack thereof) where you must temporarily abandon the comfortable recesses of your mother's basement. This shall serve as your guide, for you will encounter many dangers upon your journey which you are not familiar with.</p>

1995

<p>My grandpa always said I could be anything I wanted.</p><p>Then again, one day I walked in on him having elaborate sex with my grandma, so his words lost all meaning to me. </p>

I Like Vaginas

<p>Vaginas get a bad rap. They've been blamed for the current economic crisis, the future panda crisis, and Seal's face. I overhear things everyday to the tune of "oh, vaginas are so 1999," "what have vaginas ever done for the progressive environmental movement?" and "2 vaginas don't make a right."</p>

You Broke My Dick’s Heart

Oh, hey, how have you been? Funny running into you here.<p>Oh, I've been alright...you know...just.....things...who...I...sometimes.</p><p>My dick on the other hand...he's not doing so well. The little bugger's just been mopin' around. I'm starting to get worried about him. He hasn't had any contact with the outside world in days. The only time he comes out is to go to the bathroom.</p>

Kick Back

<p>A male in his early 20's is sitting on a couch, watching a football game. A bowl of Tostito's and a can of dip is on the table in front of him.</p><p>A pregnant woman, presumably his wife, enters the room. She starts talking. The man's face has a look on it like he is in extreme pain once she starts talking.</p><p>Pregnant Woman: "Honey, look, he's kicking! Come feel it."</p>

Fuck You, Subway, FUCK. YOU.

<p>I'm not a violent person, and I wasn't going to ask Obama to do anything, but I can't keep going without saying something. You've probably seen the following commercial on TV several times. I have. The very first time I saw it, I knew there was no more hope for the human race. My right eye was completely swollen shut due to mononucleosis and sinusitis, and I still cringed.

Mother Earth

<p>"<strong>PUSH! PUUUUSHHHHH!</strong>" the annoying doctors and nurses around me scream in my ear.</p><p>"Chill." I take a drag of my cigarette. "Everyone just chill. I'm not going to be able to tell when the tranqulizers I took kicked in if everyone around me is freakin' out."</p><p>"Ma'am, you need to start pushing <em>now</em>."</p>

Cannibal Family Dinner

<p>A young, energetic boy sets the kitchen table and sits down. The mother, in an apron, is busy finishing the cooking of the meal.</p><p>She finishes and brings the food over to the table. She watches her son start eating.</p><p>"Come on, Billy, eat your Gary's."</p><p>"I don't wanna eat my Gary's. Gary's suck!"</p>

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