Hey, I won't be mad at ya if you peruse my comedy a bit. -Saying what you think you don't think. Paul Frank has written more comedy than your grandma's had periods. Paul Frank is a mystical creature like leprochauns, midgets, and MILFs. He lives solely on a diet of vodka, Hot Pockets, and milk-less cereal.

Comedy Writing

I’m Sorry I Let the Orgy Down

I'd like to apologize to you for my actions the other night. I let the whole orgy down, and I understand a few people are still in the hospital.

British Sitcom

<p><em>A middle-aged British man wearing a tan suit enters a small store. It's either like a convenience store or like a small pet shop. There's a middle-aged man standing behind an old-fashioned cash register, whistling.</em></p><p><em>The customer starts talking to the cashier.</em> </p><p>"Cheers, mate, my name is Sir Reginald Pennington the 6th, per chance could you help me out?"</p>

Bristol Palin

<p><u><strong>BRISTOL: CALL ME (920) 644-4650</strong></u></p><p><strong>[NOTE: This love letter is for Bristol Hussein Palin's eyes only. I left a message on her voicemail (seriously...keep reading) directing her to this website. I want her to know how much I love her and care for her, so I am writing this for her.</strong></p>

Dear Poison Control

<p>Dear Poison Control,</p><p>Let me start out by saying you guys are a bunch of <strong>DICKS</strong>. I know you think you're doing a service to the citizens of the United States of America, but that is <strong>100% BULLSHIT</strong>.</p><p>If you think you PRICKS can control <em>the greatest band on the face of God's green Earth</em>, then you've got another thing coming: my fist.</p>

Can’t We Just Be Friends (With Benefits)?

<p>Sweetheart, listen, this isn't working out. I know it's only been two days and you love me (your words, not mine), but we have to break up. </p><p>You said you wanted to take things slow. I guess we have differing definitions of "slow," because I figured you meant fool around and have sex and kinda go easy on the whole "relationship" thing at first. You know, take it slow. </p>

Let’s Blow This Gas Chamber

Yo, man, this gas chamber is <em>weeeaaakk</em>. Let's blow this joint. You down for some T. Bell?<p>This is a total sausage fest. Dude, did you see that pile of naked dudes out back? Fags.</p><p>Let's get outta here. I haven't seen a keg yet.</p><p>Hitler throws the WORST gas chambers.</p><p>I'm so glad I pre-gamed.</p>

Hey Will, It’s Me, Carlton!

HAY MAN IT’S ME CARLTON WHAT’S GOING ON-- OH SHIT I THINK I’M SUPPOSED TO TYPE THE MESSAGE IN THE EMAIL BOX BELOW, NOT THIS SUBJECT BOX!

Have You Met My Balls Yet?

<p>Hello, nice to meet you.</p><p>Oh -- these are my balls, Vincent and Rosalinda.</p><p>No, no, <em>that</em> one's Vincent. Don't shake someone's hand if you don't know their name!</p><p>Let me tell you all about my balls.</p>

Tragic News

<p>(<em>4 o'clock in the morning. A doctor comes out to the waiting room. He is frowning and avoids eye contact with the person he is coming to talk to. She knows what he is going to say from his body language. Her eyes start to water. She starts choking up and looks up at him through teary eyes as he comes near.)</em></p><p>"I'm sorry, Ma'am, I'm so sorry."</p>

Dinner and a Show

<p>As they say in Vietnam (<em><strong>if those giddamn Charlie spoke English</strong></em>), the silence is deafening.</p><p>You could cut the tension with a butcher knife, and just keep cutting 'til all you see is blood. Er....I mean...</p><p>I look across the table at Laura, just a few feet away. She's so kinda beautiful. Her earrings, her make-up, her avoidance of eye contact.</p>

America’s Saddest Home Videos

<p>Dad always laughed out loud at America's Funniest Home Videos. No matter what. Loud as anyone can laugh. A hearty, boistrous, echoing laugh. For an hour straight. Every night.</p>

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