Hey, I won't be mad at ya if you peruse my comedy a bit. -Saying what you think you don't think. Paul Frank has written more comedy than your grandma's had periods. Paul Frank is a mystical creature like leprochauns, midgets, and MILFs. He lives solely on a diet of vodka, Hot Pockets, and milk-less cereal.

Comedy Writing

Oh, Fancy Seeing You Here At The Abortion Clinic, Bristol Palin

<p>Oh, hey Bristol. What's going on.</p><p>Cool, cool. So yeah, sorry I never called you after that night...</p><p>Glad you're over it.</p><p>Oh, you're seeing that Levi douche now?</p><p>I mean..what a great guy! Yeah, good guy, good. fuckin'. guy.</p><p>You look a little fat, Bristol. Are you a couple months fat?</p><p>Oh! You're pregnant. I hadn't heard.</p>

So You’ve Just Killed a Prostitute

<p>If you're reading this sentence, you've just killed a prostitute. No worries! Luckily for you, we have compiled this helpful packet you should peruse every time you kill a prostitute.</p><p>First things first: <strong>Don't panic</strong>. Everything's going to be all right. Just be thankful nobody got hurt. </p>

Do You Think Michael Moore Showered Today?

<p>Do you think Michael Moore showered today?</p><p>Or is he gonna do a 'double-shower' tomorrow?</p><p>Isn't going out in the rain an adequate shower alternative?</p><p> </p><p>Do you think Michael Moore did anything productive today?</p><p>Isn't masturbating alone in your dark apartment sorta productive?</p><p>I mean you DID something.</p><p> </p>

I’m Sorry I Shanked You

I’m sorry for stabbing you in that gruesome prison yard bloodbath, and I’m going to learn and grow from this experience. Please accept this letter of apology.

Satan Runs an Advice Column

<em>Hey Satan, LOVE the column. I've been reading you for a long time, but I've never felt the need to send something in. Until now. Here's the situation. I'm a thirty-year-old mother of 3. I have a loving husband and we have a wonderful house. Or so I thought.</em>

It Happens

<p>Hey, what's wrong?</p><p>You don't seem to be enjoying this sex as much as I am.</p><p>Why are you - what are you doing?</p><p>Are you pushing me?</p><p>Stop struggling. I'm ticklish. </p><p>What? Why are you saying 'no'? Should I pull out or keep going? I'm gonna keep going. You're crazy. Not in the good way either.</p><p>Hint: shaving is a good idea.</p>

Hey, Want to Not Watch Arena Football Tonight?

<p>Hey, what's going on? What do you want to do tonight?</p><p>Want to get homeless people to spit their blood into our mouths?</p><p>Or should we go up to black people in the ghetto of Chicago and tell them we totally supported slavery and it should probably be brought back (it'll help out the economy).</p>

Thoughts: Chicago Edition

<p><strong><em>Welcome to another edition of Thoughts, a showcase of all the random thoughts going through my head, conveniently written in comedic form. </em></strong></p>

Hi, I’m a Dentist

Let’s cut the fucking bullshit: I fucking hate cavities more than anything in the world. And I will not rest or die until every cavity is gone from the face of this Earth.

Hello Children

<p>Welcome, children. I can guess what's on your mind. You might be asking yourself "where's the candy this creep promised?"</p><p>I'm sorry. There is no candy.</p><p>Yeah, so I lied. Get over it.</p>

OBGYN EDU

Hello, I'm what you'd call a gynecologist. I fix, repair, inspect, diagnose and tickle vaginas for a living. Some of my employees and co-workers call me The Pussy Doctor or just ‘pussy.' You can call me Dr. Pussy. <p>But let's face it. I've seen tens of thousands of vaginas in my day, and quite honestly, I'm getting a little sick and tired of them. They just don't blow my mind anymore.

Ron Jeremy screams

Ron Jeremy Motivational Speech

Ron Jeremy helps average folks just like you get through the rough times with his motivational speech, "Life is Wonderful." (Plus free Q&A advice!)

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