Hey, I won't be mad at ya if you peruse my comedy a bit. -Saying what you think you don't think. Paul Frank has written more comedy than your grandma's had periods. Paul Frank is a mystical creature like leprochauns, midgets, and MILFs. He lives solely on a diet of vodka, Hot Pockets, and milk-less cereal.

Comedy Writing

What’s That One Movie?

Fuck, what's that one movie, it's like on the tip of my tongue but I can't remember the fucking name, shit, there's that one girl in it... fuck.

The Olympics

<p>I'm in Chicago right now, at my sister's condo. Something's wrong with her cable box or remote or something, so her tv is stuck on NBC.  When I'm not out exploring the city, I want to unwind with some <em>Lockup</em> or <em>Locked Up Abroad</em>. But no. All we get is the Olympics. The Olympics, the news, more Olympics. Repeat of the day's Olympics.

I Never Realized I Wanted to Kill Myself Before

<p>I never realized I wanted to put a fucking bullet through my head.</p><p>It never occurred to me that I wanted to drive a fucking stake through my heart.</p><p>But by the time I realized I wanted to, Brett Favre had already done it for me. Or maybe Ted "Faggot" Thompson and the rest of the Packers management did it for me.</p>

Dear Lance Armstrong

<p>Hey, it's Paul Frank. I don't think you know me, but I know you.</p><p>How is everything? You doing good? Ya alright, buddy?</p><p>Alright. I'm just going to come right out and say it.</p><p>...I heard your balls are a little under the weather.</p><p>What's wrong with your balls, Lance?</p><p>What happened? It's okay, we can talk about it. Your balls. We can talk about your balls.</p>

I’m Not Divorcing Your Vagina

<p>Hey, honey. Sorry we have to go through this. Nobody ever expects this to happen. It's just one big mess, the lawyers, the emotions, the kids. (You can keep the kids by the way.)</p><p>But let's face it. We'll remain friends after this. There's no bitter feelings or tension. And I love you always, just like I vowed in church during our wedding.</p>

Yo Momma

<p>Hey li'l Timmy! It's your new stepdaddy! Wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese's later? Me too, sport! Let's do it!</p><p>I heard you're a little worried about getting a new daddy. You liked your old one, I hear. He played catch with you. He gave you candy.</p>

I Would Fuck John McCain’s Wife

<p><strong>WARNING</strong><em>: The following words you are about to hear with your eyes contain offensive language and graphic details about me fucking the shit out of John McCain's wife.</em></p><p> That glassy, seductive stare. That experienced confidence. That...<em>old</em> body.</p>

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