Simon Says for Games of the XXXII Olympiad
Simon says put your hands on your hips if you didn’t realize this year’s summer games were not actually called the 2021 Olympics.
Comedy Writing
Simon Says Issues Apology Letter to His Mother
Not only is the third-person thing annoying, but it ends up sounding like a command. Simon says raise your hand if you want to slap me for that.
Simon Says for Flying the Pandemic-Friendly Skies
Simon says whatever you do, DO NOT utter a cough, anything that resembles a sneeze, or begin sweating while standing in your boarding group queue.
Simon Says for New Year’s Resolutions 2021
Simon says viable New Year’s resolutions for this group are probably simple things you can do in your home without giving up ANY vices.
Simon Says for No-Shave November
Look down at your left leg. Do you see some pricklies there? Kick your left leg in the air if you commit to leaving those be, just for a month.
Simon Says for the Presidential Debate’s Nashville Audience
Simon says please welcome the presidential candidates with any sort of noises you find appropriate—bearing in mind their last performance.
Simon Says for All the Single Ladies
Simon says stomp your feet like you’re crushing all the couples who won’t invite you to their dinner parties, because they think you'll feel awkward.
Simon Says for Back to School 2020
Simon says log in to the government-subsidized video conferencing system and wave at all your friends like everything is normal.
Simon Says for Future Women in Power
Simon says stand on one foot, while also juggling four frying pans and reciting today’s history lesson on the Battle of Bunker Hill from memory.
Simon Says for Future Men in Power
Simon says tell your neighbor you never touched her butt, and she must be imagining things. This is "gaslighting" and will come in handy someday.