Millennials? Who are You People, Anyway?
What is it that makes your group so intractable, yet everybody wants to talk about you? Why is it so hard to figure out how old you people are?
Comedy Writing
Tom Brady Reveals His Deepest Regret in a Letter to Coach Belichick
All I ever wanted was to be the fourth son of Mike Brady on that killer 1970's TV show, The Brady Bunch. Instead, my life veered off course.
The Art of Head Faking Your Boss
With boss man bearing down on you, tilt your head to the left. His head will follow yours. Wait ten seconds. Hold the tilt like you would an ice cream cone.
Three Ways to Be Hated By Everyone
There are plenty of unknowable mysteries about life. But one thing we do know is that no person has ever been created to slice another person's forehead with a hatchet.
To-Do List for New College Graduates to Fix the World
While you have been in college, the adult community has been busy ruining the world. This has left us no time for several important tasks.
Don’t Get a Job: Commencement Address to the College Graduating Class of 2017
The last thing you want to do is get a job. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty because you are right in your actions to not want to go to work - it sucks.
Flying High in the Xanax Skies
Where was I? How high is high? Why was I sitting there? Had I been sleeping the whole time? Is all of life a dream, as Descartes once suggested?
Why My Tennis Instructor Abandoned Me
Sometimes two people stop talking to each other, and there isn't even a big argument at the end. They just avoid each other, forever.
Look, You’re Pivoting on My Narrative
It's as if to be part of the intelligentsia you have to say "look" before making your point. Look at what? Look where? You're a jerk.
The Beauty of Bad Breath
You've discovered it's not so unpleasant and disturbing to wake up in the middle of the night with last night's dinner still percolating in your mouth.
Useless Yard Sale: You’re Invited
Step right up. Rummage around. Bring your money. You're invited to my first-time-ever, never-gonna-happen-again, going-out-of-business driveway and backyard sale.
The Olympic Sport That Transcends the World
It's the most demanding, stressful, scary, humbling, embarrassing and brutally honest test of your strength of character and ability to fight through pain to finish a race.