My First Day at the Cemetery
My biggest fear at the cemetery was getting beat up at lunch, an occurrence that I had yet to witness happen to anyone on any of my other first days of digging holes.
Comedy Writing
Eschewing the Tip Drill
In lieu of tipping the bathroom attendant at a strip club, a lot of guys will choose to just NOT wash their hands. Not me.
Real Chat with Julian Asange on the Party Life
Julian Asange recounts his intense drug trip at a college dubstep show, as well as his experience with a Taco Bell drive-thru hookup.
Heather Linn’s Juicy Yearbook Secrets
Heather Linn was finishing her junior year at Northlake High School in 1988. Little does she know, I've seen (and contributed to) her juicy little yearbook secrets.
Iran to US: “I Drone, On and On and On”
If you're an Iranian citizen, and you ever wanted proof that your country is struggling economically, or led by wacky dudes, the US drone photos are just what you've been waiting for!
My Last 20 Text Messages
I like to think of my latest texts as a shallow character study and a pop culture linguistics check.
Brushing Up on Relationships
Why is it that women refuse to turn off the faucet while they brush their teeth? Every one of my girlfriends has gone full blast the entire time.
Boner Costumes: The Abbreviated Version
Speaking of Halloween costumes, it's kind of my favorite thing to come up with, especially phallic puns. This year I've decided to go as Premature Ejaculating Santa.
10 Greeting Cards That Say “I Stalk You”
Outside: Just a little card to say "I'm thinking of you" / Inside: I would tell you in person, but the restraining order puts me out of earshot.
Guys, Get Your Shorts Game Up
Guys, have you noticed how hard it is to find a cool pair of shorts? I have a favorite pair that I wear all the time, and today a guy actually complimented me on them.
U.S. Begins Hunt for Twin Towers Following bin Laden Death
Moments after announcing that American soliders had killed Osama bin Laden, President Barack Obama vowed to begin the search for the missing Twin Towers of the World Trade Center.
Prebirthers Demand to See Obama’s Parent’s Sex Tape
Just days after releasing his birth certificate, President Obama is under new attack by citizens demanding to see the videotape of Barack Obama, Sr. and Ann Dunham having sex on or around November 4, 1961.