The Most Important Thing About This World Event Is That It’s Ultimately About Me
I do feel this horrible event on a visceral and personal level, like way worse than how anyone else is feeling it, for sure.
Comedy Writing
Monologues: The Death of My Hair and My A/C Euthanasia Machine
The great reviews it got were a combination of people pleased with its cooling capabilities as well as it’s craftsmanship as a self-death machine.
Don’t Expect Many Characters to Survive “Mamma Mia! 2: Infinity Wedding”
Sophie was able to hold one of the Infinity Rings--wedding rings forged from the six singularities present before the creation of the universe.
Our Airbnb’s Pre-Cleaning Fee Goes to Removing Every Trace of the Outside World
While our aesthetic up until about mid-2016 was "cozy cabin," our current aesthetic is more like "amicably abandoned sanitarium."
Welcome to the Alphas Only Hedge Fund
I know you’re here because you read that Vice article that said our hedge fund is like the Wolf of Wall Street but with actual wolves. That’s true.
Eulogies for the Houseplants My Dumbass Essentially Murdered
Einstein was a Ponytail Palm that my sister got me. Like the Einstein from Science, this Ponytail Palm had an eccentric intelligence, but no grace.
Here is the Ancient Ritual You Must Follow If You Wish to Quit the Football Team
A rapidly disintegrating map will be given to you as you step out of the self-reflection pod. It will lead you to the Sewer of Quitters.