Daily funny articles by seasoned comedy writers and fresh voices. Best of Year | Editors' Picks | People's Favorites | Satire | Guides | Observations | Stories
Mother say I need to stop moping around cave and get outside. So come up with a plan.
“This is my friend, Sherlock Holmes. He’s from America.” “Not just America, actually. I’m from Chicago.”
Claim: Most lawyers find that cilantro tastes like soap. Foundation? Foundation, but most things taste like soap to lawyers.
Undergo hypnosis therapy: you can’t lose time recalling an actor’s name if you never knew their name to begin with.
Turn the sheet so that the elastic edge faces you. Do not look directly at it, lest it sense your anxiety.
But no one really knows what they want when they’re hiring, and that’s why there’s me. To get rid of people like you. Quality people.
Periodically you might encounter your double. Do not engage, especially for sex.
Pottery: This one is simple: the night your wife called things off, you drank an entire bottle of wine and "Ghost" randomly started playing on Tubi.
Jump to conclusions why don’t you? I did not lock her in a basement. I’m not a monster. We live in a tower.
Is he “ugly-hot” or does his face bear the mark of an impish, Germanic evil?
Are you looking for anything specific today? Just browsing? Awesome—mind if I watch from the other side of the room?
Remember how excited you were about the pottery wheel that’s now a hat rack? Or the sourdough starter you ate raw on day three?