Just when I thought TV couldn't get any more ridiculous (that's not true, I have no faith in television), along comes the Fox Reality Channel.
I never watch TV, but a friend begged me to turn it on for love of everything absurdly comedic, so I obliged.
Neverending commercials almost moved me to turn off the TV immediately. Then Fox Reality sets in. It's MAN VS. BEAST, the latest show even FOX ITSELF wouldn't pick up, so you know it's worse than bad. Possibly aimed more at the 18-25 monkey demographic.
WAIT! Who's this?! It's…CARL LEWIS hosting a 100M dash between Michael Johnson and a FUCKING ZEBRA!! My my Carl and Michael, how things have deteriorated since the Olympics.
Man and beast take their marks. Carl Lewis notes that a zebra can run up to 40mph in the wild, but that a lack of focus and knowledge of WHAT THE HELL IS EVEN GOING ON could hinder the striped runner in this race.
Michael Johnson carefully lines up in his foot pieces, while the zebra casually munches on chopped carrots in his gate.
THE GUN FIRES! AND THEY'RE OFF! The zebra gets a quick start, and it's clear Johnson has no chance. The zebra somehow manages to gallop two lengths (or 26 Johnsons) ahead of Johnson into the finish line.
Obviously it was no contest.
BUT WAIT! What's this?! Johnson is screaming and protesting the zebra's start! JUDGES?!?
IT'S A FALSE START BY THE ZEBRA! Replays clearly show the trainer opened the gate too early and the zebra committed a blatant false start of about 10 hundreths of a second! SILLY FUCKING ZEBRA! DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH THAT?!?!
Judges/producers order a rematch.
THE GUN FIRES! AND THEY'RE OFF! This time Johnson gets off the line first! It appears man has a chance! ….For 10 more hundredths of a second. Before the zebra again shows his true colors (black and white for those of you not in the know).
This time it's the zebra by two and a half lengths (or 32.5 Johnsons). Clearly, the zebra was angry at Johnson's protest, and insisted on proving a point.
CLEARLY…ZEBRAS HARBOR RESENTMENT.