My loft has had at least three previous tenants in the last 5-10 years. I know this because I regularly receive junk mail and catalogs from various stores addressed to three different people. (I occasionally receive tax return checks, which I cash in one of the three business bank accounts I've opened in their names–my businesses just so happen to be named after “fictitious” people–but that's besides the point.) At this point, I've basically constructed a personality profile for each person based on the commercial mail they receive. I would love to meet these people someday to see how close I am.
Dusty, one of the previous residents, gets boring, high-end, household, cultural, and metrosexual stuff in the mail. Things like Crate and Barrel catalogs (barf bland), art gallery shows (gay?), Hammacher Schlemmer catalogs (take Sharper Image and double the price on everything), and Linens ‘n Things store announcements (like when a hot new vinyl shower curtain is now available at full price). Dusty is most likely a 32-year-old white male, clinging steadfastly to a 2 and a half year relationship with a woman, but struggling with bi-curious issues. Dusty tolerates his job at an advertising agency because it pays well, but he secretly wants to open a local coffee shop that doubles as a gallery for his personal photography collection. I've taken better photos than Dusty after two weeks with a 5 megapixel digital camera, and McDonald's serves better coffee at 9pm than Dusty will ever make with his European Thermal Carafe Espresso Maker.
Diana, another previous resident, gets credit card bills, credit card statements, credit card overdue notices, bad credit-no credit-no problem credit card offers, free credit repair offers, and food stamps. Diana (real name Maria) was not supposed to live here. She is a 28-year-old Cuban refugee who has overstayed her temporary VISA in America, but hooked up with Dusty one weekend while his girlfriend was out of town and copied his key. After Dusty moved out, there was a 6-month period when the loft was vacant, and Maria took up residence as an illegal squatter, maxing out credit cards under a fake name, and then promptly moving down to Florida after coming home one day to find the police gathered around “her” door. Maria's mail makes me feel like bounty hunters are going to seize my assets at any moment.
Rebecca is by far the best previous resident I have ever had. Rebecca is the reason I go to my mailbox every day instead of every 1.5 days. Shit, I want to hookup with Rebecca right now. Kinky, naughty, BAD REBECCA. Rebecca gets Victoria's Secret catalogs, Frederick's of Hollywood promotions, Insurrection ads (our local sex shop), and free weekend wine tasting event announcements. She is a 25-year-old former gymnast now freelancing as a print model, but aspiring to be a soap opera star. She is hot, flexible, experienced, open to try anything once, and tipsy enough to take advantage of. She is single and looking for an editor/webmaster who enjoys profiling strangers in his blog. Rebecca probably likes me, not you.
Rebecca, can you send me your current address? I have some ummm…mail I need to forward you.