-You know what I like about hot foods? Microwaves. There's just no quick way to make cold foods cold again. Take milk for instance. You want a nice, tall glass of ICE COLD milk, right? So you pour it, but then you realize you have to take a 15-minute shit. You come back to your milk and it's like it's fresh from the hot udder of a cow all over again. Sure you could put your refrigerator to at least 30 minutes of good use to fix this, but shouldn't they have invented macrowaves by now? Someone in temperature technology is not looking at the whole picture.
-When people complain about hot foods getting cold, it's just pure laziness. Sure you could reheat that Chinese takeout, but WHO HAS TIME FOR A MICROWAVE? When cold foods get warm though, you have no choice but to give up. Poured the milk in your cereal but decided to take a 5-minute phone call? Fuck you, soggy. Ordered an ice cream cone but stepped outside and realized you're in Arizona? Fuck you, all over your hand. Ordered a beer but realized you're a girl? Fuck you, learn to open your throat.
And now, a few jokes I just made up:
-If you were a microwave, you think you'd ever get tired of people pressing your buttons all day? I'd be like, “Dude, that's not cool…” Which would probably please the manufacturer.
-If you were a deaf person, you think you'd ever get tired of people saying, “Dude, you gotta hear this…”? No, 'cause you probably wouldn't be listening in the first place.
-If I ever came in first place in a race to the top, I'd probably stop competing because my career had peaked.
-What do a can of Steel Reserve and the Army Reserve have in common? They only come out on weekends, and you quickly realize you never want to go full-time.
-And finally, if Jesus was a carpenter, what happened here?
WWJD? Build a goddamn ramp, that's what.