In the course of shopping for fine china, I stumbled upon quite possibly the the funniest (serious) review I've ever read on Amazon. In reference to the Durex Avanti Bare condoms, madmaeve's review "too tight" says:
"We use the regular avanti non latex condoms. I bought the new avanti bare and my husband and I both hated them. The rim of the avanti bare fits inside the regular avanti brand. BIG size difference and my husband is about regular size. We hated the avanti bare so much we just took the risk of another child. We are going back to the regular avanti which is actually the only other condom except trojans for her pleasure that either of us liked. (The trojans were before my allergic reaction and trip to ER with my throat swelling.)"
That is the worst possible review you could give a condom. Assuming you're like me and would rather have AIDS than a baby. Also, what are you doing putting one condom inside another one? You went from double-bagging to "fuck it, we don't hate kids THAT much, right?" But wait, good news! Turns out you can't get pregnant in the mouth after all.
Recently, the left pocket of my favorite pair of jeans ripped all the way open. That means I can no longer use it to hold stuff. That DOES NOT mean I will stop putting things in it. Every time I wear them I try to put my Blackberry in that pocket, only to have it drop straight to my foot. The ridiculousness of this situation sets in so quickly and intensely that I usually grab the phone off the floor, start laughing for a full 30 seconds, then immediately put it back in the same pocket. It's time like these that I wish I could say I smoked a lot of pot. Instead, I'll just go with "laughter is the best drug" and "why isn't this on YouTube yet?"
I bought a pack of ginger snaps and on the back I read the following: "Made on equipment shared with milk, peanuts and tree nuts." Which makes me wonder, who the fuck is throwing milk all over my ginger snap making machine?? And trees are dipping their nuts in my snaps too? Is that just to add insult to injury? Can we just leave everything but ginger and snaps out of my ginger snaps? I can pour a glass of milk and dip my balls in stuff at home on my own if I feel like it. Start building factories that focus on one goddamn food group at a time.
I ride my bike everywhere in the city, so I get excited whenever something new and bike-friendly comes along. A couple of weeks ago, sharrows were approved by the US Transportation Dept as an official pavement marking, and are already being painted around intown Atlanta roads. What I want to know is, has there ever been a name for any official sign or marking as clever as "sharrow"?? I mean, normally, I'd be making fun of some ridiculously LAME name the government comes up with, but now I feel like I should do the opposite. Since when did the government decide to get so playful? They couldn't have gone with "double bicycle arrow"or "bicycle right of way" or "uniform bicycle control arrows" or the classic, "shared arrow"? Is Obama personally approving official transportation labels now?
I understand that they put those bowed out shower curtain rods in hotels to offer more arm room and create the illusion of a larger shower, but could they at least make the wall on the other side bowed out too? I'm constantly thrown off balance by the disparity. I feel like I'm trapped in some sort of 1800's circus sideshow tent.