0553 Hours, Fort Lee, Virginia
Can err'body hear me? Yeah? Okay people, let's break it up. I wanna' make this quick so I can get to my first cup of coffee. Err'body get off the curb and ontada' street. Hey! Get back, I ain't got time to piss around wich ya'll. It's too early, I'm too cranky, and if one of ya'll acts a fool, I'll make sure the doctors probe ya' witdey' foot. And don't flap ya'lls jaws while I'm talkin'. It's disrespectful. NOW MOVE! Ya'll wasting err'bodies time.
Aight people, this is the Military Entrance Processing Station. Any ya'll not supposed tabe' hurr? Some ya'll sometimes get the buildin's mixed up. Huh? Speak up. Naw, that's down the street. Here, talk to Sergeant Grubbles while I brief ‘dem. He'll show ya' where ta' go.
Where my shippers at? Form up over there on the sidewalk. The rest of you who are processing, get over there. Wha? Huh?–speak up! Taking a test? Get over with ‘dem–hey shut up! It's not that hard! Split up, don't mingle and mutter! I ain't out hurr in the da' cold for my healf'.
Now shippers, get ya'lls bony butts up to the front! Good, that's all da' shippers? Okay, head inside, ya'll already know the drill.
Aight, before the rest of ya'll go in, I gotta' ax chu' to be quiet while I go over some things.
Anybody have any knives, firearms, bottle rockets, needles, explosives, shivs, nunchucks, daggers, pocket knives, machetes, or other deadly weapons on dem? Ya'll shouldn't, but if ya'll do, hand dem over to Sergeant Grubbles here after this briefing before ya'll go in. Don't worry, ya'll won't be disqualified if you forfeit 'em now. No, your fists do not count. Shut up.
Also, any drugs, such as mary-jew-wana, hair-win, or crack cocaine need to be forfeited immediately now ‘fore goin' inside. If ya'll don't, and we find it, ya'll be disqualified and prosecuted. Your recruiter shoulda' said dis' already, but ya'll apes like to forget occasionally. Nows ya'lls chance to redeem ya'self ‘fore we officially process ya'll into the service. No one? Good, saves us time. Nice to know ya'll ain't a bunch of idiots like the last group.
If ya'll got any jewelry or piercings, ya' needa take 'em out before ya'll go over to Medical. That includes earrings, nipple rings, naval rings, tongue rings, and dem rings on ya'lls naughty parts. Yes ma'am, especially dem ones on your privates. Put it in your bags before you go to Medical. Don't want no doctors havin' ta' confiscate your jewelry cuss' ya'll can't follow instructions. And they will take 'em, gone forev', so don't try an' cheat! Ya'll can use the bathrooms to–SHUT UP BACK THERE!–to remove 'em. Hey, I'm watchin' chu. Yeah, you. Don't make me point again, I ain't like ta' point. Just make sure ya'lls shiny bits are off and in your bags before heading to Medical. Ya'lls recruiters shoulda' told ya'll not ta' wear jewelry or piercings for dis', but a lot of times ya'll don't seem to listen, so I'm repeating it hurr' for ya'lls benefit so ya'll don't have to lose nuttin'. Moving on:
When you go intada' door, all ya'll gotta' gotta' empty your pockets into the buckets before you pass the metal detector. Put'cha bags on the conveyor. Who's been to an airport? Yeah, it's juss' like that. Huh? Who said that? Wha? Nah', keep ya' shoes on. Ya'll better move quickly or I'll smack ya'll upside da' head. I ain't got time to be babyin' ya'll. Your recruiter might do it, but it ain't in my job description. Just keep it moving quickly so all ya'll can get outta' da' cold.
Look, when ya'll go in after the security checks, put your bags, jewelry, and whatev' else in the locker cubbies. Don't worry, the door's locked. Ain't nobody gonna' steal your iPod or Walkman or what-have-yew, wichu' ain't supposed ta' have anyhows if you'dve listened to ya'lls recruiter. After ya'll stow ya'lls bag, you'll see a row of chairs. Sit in dem and don't move until we call your–YOU! Shut up or I swear to Almighty Jesus I'll get Sergeant Grubbles and make ya' run laps 'round the buildin' 'til ya' blue! I don't want no jokers! Anyone else think dey a joker? Nobody? Good, now lemme' finish so we can go inside.
Dammit, now I forgot where I was. Chairs? Oh righ'. Once all ya'll seated and ain't movin', we'll call ya' up for ya'lls chart, and then ya'll march over to Medical for ya'lls briefing. We clear? Form a single file line and go inside. Single file! Idiot…yeah, you. You hurr'd me. I ain't gonna' be smilin' bright for ya'll, I ain't no Wal-Mart greeter. This is the US military, boy, ya' betta' get use'ta followin'–HEY YOU! Whaddai' say 'bout talkin'?!
I swear, ya'll boys and girls gonna' give me a stroke some day.