Hundreds of thousands of sports bloggers complain about the same thing every day. That's all they do: complain. They don't offer solutions to the problems. That (and the extra large jar of ink flavored warming jelly that sits on my nightstand) is what separates me from the pack. I'm here to help. Anyone can bitch. And everyone does.
Anywhodiddleyo, I hate all of the major network sports announcers. You hate all of the major network sports announcers. They all suck. We've known this for years. We'll probably know this for years to come if no one listens to me (and if history is any guide, no one will). Now, a lot of stuff sucks and a lot of stuff just gets worse as it ages. That happens and I'm fine with it and all that. But here's something weird: sports are more popular than they've ever been and the announcers steadily get worse. Don't believe me? Jack Buck and Gus Johnson are the two best announcers who debuted in the last twenty years. Vin Scully is the best living broadcaster out there today. Who would you rather listen to?
Wait for it…
Case. In. Point.
Now, because I am a freaking genius, here are my proposals to improve the validity of broadcasting in contemporary American sports.
Stop the nepotism and the jockism. I don't care if you played sports, Troy Aikman. You're still an idiot, Dan Fouts. I can't handle your rambling inconclusive statements, Al Hrabosky. You bring nothing to the table, Troy Aikman. You guys, all of you, need to understand something: just because you understand a lot about sports does not mean you should talk about them for a living. Because you don't know how to talk, see? If you can't complete a sentence or make a coherent point, then it doesn't matter what you know. And that brings me to my second idea.
If you cannot pass the equivalency of a high school freshman grammar final then you do not belong on television. Additionally, you will have to pass that exam orally and with no do-overs. If you cannot think and speak on your feet then you don't belong in the booth. Hey, you had to tryout to make your football team. Well, your team shouldn't suck any less than your broadcasts, am I right?
Don't answer that. I know I'm right.
Also, finally, and just so you know and all that: study the greats. Even your most half-assed writer has talented and successful influences. The golden age of broadcasting stemmed from Vin Scully's hiring to Howard Cosell's firing. Find one of those great guys and emulate him. Hell, at this point in baseball announcing alone, someone just doing a parody of Vin Scully would create better baseball broadcast than any other talking head's genuine product. That's scary.
If the current sports announcers knew how to talk, didn't rely on curried favors to get their gigs, and studied the craft they're destroying, then three things would happen: a) the majority of sports bloggers would have their legitimate complaints minimized, b) sports watching would be more enjoyable and the coverage thereof elevated back to the art form it once was and c) I would stop playing music over NFL broadcasts.
I think we can all agree that if I was in charge of sports broadcasting in America, we would have a much more awesome country, a much more enjoyable world and our children would have a chance of growing up in a community where every third sports broadcasting sentence didn't begin with the words, "You talk about a…"
I mean, you talk about an awesome solution to a vexing problem. You talk about a guy who should be in charge of sports broadcasting. Let me show you this Nate DeGraaf guy. If you have a Nate DeGraaf, you just have to make use of him. You don't find a Nate DeGraaf too often in the National Broadcasting League. And you just have to let him do his thing.
And I tell you, the best thing about this young writer, this up and comer, is that he just flat out does not need your thanks. He's here to help. And that's why you want him on your team.
Such a humble young man. He really is having fun out there.