After a few years of listening to this thing over and over again, I have come to some conclusions about the Christmas song The Little Drummer Boy. And I know you'll be surprised to hear this, but I believe that The Little Drummer Boy is a bullshit story. Let's look at the lyrics shall we?
Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum
A new born King to see, pa rum pum pum pum
Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum
To lay before the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Okay, if you've never heard this song before, just ignore the pa rum pum pum parts; it's a meaningless chant. Now, right off the back I got a problem with this song. You see, it opens with an indefinite pronoun. I mean, who is this "they" that is telling our narrator to go see a new born king? A cousin? A member of the royal army? A drunk at a bar? I think we need to know who's pushing Jesus on our drummer boy. I think the author owes us at least that much.
So to honor Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
When we come.
Little Baby, pa rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum
That's fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum,
On my drum?
Okay, now let's see of we cam follow this distraught train of thought: our narrator, like Jesus, is a poor boy, so he had no gift to bring that is fit to bring the new king, who is a poor boy like our narrator so… wouldn't any gift be fit enough for the poor boy too? This seems like circular logic and that only works when arguing with females.
Mary nodded, pa rum pum pum pum
The ox and lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my drum for Him, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my best for Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Then He smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum.
Okay, in many ways this is a cute ending but there are two major fucking problems here. First off, the ox and lamb could not keep time. I know livestock and they have a shitty sense of rhythm. Second, if our narrator was actually a drummer boy, wouldn't it have been his job to keep the tempo (time) of the piece? I think we all know the answer and that answer is: oxen and lamb are string instrument players by nature.
Anyway, here is how I would have written it, so as to make it more realistic.
Come some old drunk told me, pa rum pum pum pum
A new born King to see, pa rum pum pum pum
Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum
To lay before the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
So to honor Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
When we come.
Little Baby, pa rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy kind of like you used to be, pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum
That's fit to give the King, which I guess you are now because some old drunk told me
pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum,
On my drum?
Mary nodded, pa rum pum pum pum
he ox and lamb played wicked harpsichord leads, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my drum for Him, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my best for Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Then He smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum.