Yesterday, as I was being driven home from work like a piece of big, fleshy luggage, the sky opened up and scattered lightning bolts and windy rain all over us. Which is cool. I mean, it’s not cool but that’s summer in Florida. In Florida, every summer it rains pretty much everyday and there’s more lightning than in the other seasons. I’m fine with that because that’s how it always is. However, yesterday it hailed. It freaking hailed. It was ninety degrees, humid as a Jacuzzi and yet the weather elected to drop ice from the sky? I will never understand anything.
Okay, seriously, does any person out there have any money whatsoever? The nail shop next to my office, the pizza place next to that, the phone store down the street… heck, even some of the drug stores around here are desperately empty. You don’t need a degree in economics from The University of Chicago to figure out that everyone is effing broke. The only solution, as I’m sure we’re all aware, is to bail out people who made stupid, risky loans and then defaulted on them. Oh, and we need to bail out the banks, too. And my cousin Lenny. He got into some trouble with online gaming and then his wife ran off with a minister… look it doesn’t matter. Bailouts for everyone! Whee! Down with fiscal responsibility!
I’m pretty sure that all the counties and cities in this great state are broke. Our local fuzz has been handing out tickets for stupid shit like failing to turn on a blinker quick enough or flicking a cigarette butt out a car window in neighborhoods that desperately need a little murderer removal. I think this is just an attempt to increase city revenue from the reliable middle class. But I could be wrong. I usually am wrong. And oh hell, I don’t know what I’m talking about. There. I said it. Now we’re both in trouble.
In the last month, I’ve lost over twelve pounds. That is ridiculous. Apparently, all this walking is good for my metabolism or something. But the thing is, I didn’t want to lose any of that weight so now I am forced to eat fatty foods and complex carbohydrates excessively. Life is so unfair.
I didn’t see the new Indiana Jones movie. I didn’t see Iron Man. I didn’t see one stinking movie this summer and that includes not seeing that third Bourne movie that came out a while back. Movies, as a rule, are not worth going out to see. I think theaters should be done away with entirely and movies should just be produced and then made automatically available for purchase through my digital cable package. And then we can change all the movie theaters into free housing for the homeless, who I’ve heard love intense air-conditioning and buttered popcorn. But who doesn’t?
Items I used to eat as a child that I gave up on for years and am now re-introducing to my diet: cinnamon toast and pudding pops. I have no idea why I quit them. But it’s great to have them back.
And finally, because logic and fluidity are working on digesting some great greasy pizza, I leave you with the following, which I saw on some kid’s T-shirt:
“Spam is meat for your soul.”