The first time I ever had a one night stand, the woman made me promise that I wouldn't tell her boyfriend. That was eighteen fucking years ago (I am very old). The last time I had a one night stand, the woman made me promise not to record any images with my phone. The more things change the more they… um change, I guess.
My first girlfriend, back when I was fourteen, had insecurity issues and called me daily to make sure I was faithful. My last girlfriend had pills for that. The more things change the better the pharmaceuticals get, I guess.
The first time I broke up with a girl, there was a lot of yelling and tears and broken furniture. The last time I broke up with a girl, the furniture survived. Progress.
When I was fifteen, I woke up with a twenty year old woman and told her how old I was and she freaked the hell out. A couple of nights ago, I woke up with a twenty-two year old woman and told her how old I was and she freaked out. The more things change the less I do.
When I was a kid I had a teacher who told me that women were gonna ruin me. She made me promise that I would never get married until I had reached my creative potential. And I've kept that promise. And anyway, a lot of people get married in their fifties. Sure, most of them are widows and widowers but whatever. Creativity first, right?
Did you know Prince Fiedler is a vegetarian? It's true. Fat vegetarians make me happy. They're like jolly skinny people: as rare as they are enjoyable.
I don't know why I told you that about Prince Fielder but I'm leaving it in.
Writing makes me happy, not as happy as horny college chicks, but close.
The first time I was arrested I was fifteen years old. My mother said a line that night I would hear repeatedly for three years. I am typing that line now because Mom's comedy chops rarely get displayed on the internet:
"I did not go through nine months without so much as a cup of coffee followed by thirty-six hours of labor so that you could do this to yourself."
That's a line that sticks with a kid.
Yeah, I miss being twenty-two.
But there's no way I'll ever be a vegetarian.
No offence to Prince Fielder.
Happy Labor Day!