Dave: You believe all these crazies who think Obama's a Muslim?
Me: How do you know he isn't?
Dave: Come on, dude. He said he wasn't.
Me: The fuck would I believe a politician for?
Dave: I don't know, I mean…
Me: Bush the Second said mission accomplished, Clinton said he did not have sexual relations with that woman, Bush the First said no new taxes-
Dave: Alright dude, I get it. They're all full of shit.
Me: What made you think otherwise?
Dave: Hope, I guess.
Scotty: If your ex-girlfriend can get football tickets like that for us for free then you need to do whatever it takes to keep them coming.
Me: I don't know man. I have my pride.
Scotty: Dude, so occasionally you throw your cock into a dumb hot MILF. What's the big deal?
Me: She just, she just drives me fucking crazy man.
Scotty: The tickets come with six free beers, Nate. I don't care if she likes whipping your ass with a garden hose. That's a small price to pay.
Me: Dude, you hate her more than I do.
Scotty: Great seats. Six beers included. I'd fuck her if I thought it would help. You need to do what's right here.
Me: I don't think what's right is humoring her for tickets, morally speaking. Oww! That fucking hurt, asshole. Why the hell did you do that?
Scotty: Because you were being very stupid. Call her up right now and tell her you love her.
Me: But dude-
Scotty: Six free beers, man. Six!
Katrina: Were you making out with that body paint-covered whore?
Me: Of course not.
Kayla: There's paint all over your face, Nate.
Me: That's a coincidence.
Katrina: I remember you being a better liar.
Me: You know, so do I, come to think of it.
Nick: Did you just wake up?
Me: Mind your own business.
Nick: It's Three PM.
Me: Thanks. Can you get me the temperature now, too?
Nick: You're supposed to be an adult.
Me: Grown men sleep too, dude. Grown men sleep too.
Nick: Until Three?
Trey: Hey Katrina, nice breasts.
Katrina: What?
Trey: I said: nice dress.
Katrina: Oh thanks.
Trey: They really show off your breasts.
Katrina: You are a weirdo.
Me: Why go through the trouble of covering up your comment if you're just gonna make it again?
Trey: Jesus is my copilot.
Me: Excuse me.
Trey: That's my answer for everything I don't want to answer. It totally works.
Lisa: Did you get any sleep last night?
Me: Some.
Lisa: How late were you out?
Me: Late.
Lisa: Did you hook up with a girl?
Me: Jesus is my copilot.
Lisa: Is that a no?
Me: All things are possible through Christ.
Lisa: There's green paint in your hair.
Me: Shit.