Me: Wow. I cannot believe how much Winnie the Pooh shit you have.
Janine: It’s a hobby.
Me: No. Hobbies are like when you collect coins or build model airplanes. This is an unhealthy obsession.
Stu: How do you think I feel? I’m gonna be trapped in this apartment for thirty days surrounded by Winnie the Pooh.
Me: Wow. Look at all this shit. There’s a punk rock Pooh doll, a scientist Pooh doll, a wizard Pooh doll.
Stu: There are literally boxes upon boxes filled with Pooh shit.
Me: She collects Pooh’s shit, too? Man, some people will buy anything.
Me: What you been up to?
Stu; Funny.
Me: You doing anything today?
Stu: Funnier.
Me: Hey, you want to meet me for a drink?
Stu: Fuck off.
Aaron: So they gave you a choice between wearing that briefcase on your leg for thirty days or four days of jail?
Stu: Yup.
Aaron: I’d have taken the jail.
Me: Yeah, but that’s because you’ve already done ten months. Four days would be nothing for you. I would have taken the thirty days just so I didn’t have to eat jail food.
Stu: Jail food really sucks.
Aaron: Well, yeah. If it was good, homeless people would just commit misdemeanors every time they wanted a decent meal.
Me: I love food.
Aaron: I think we all do, Nate. I think we all do.
Stu: I had to buy a landline phone for this ankle monitor. And it had to be Verizon.
Aaron: Why?
Stu: They said it’s the only phone provider that works with the monitor.
Me: Funny that they never mention that in the Verizon ads.
Aaron: Yeah. I could just see that dorky dude being like, “Can you track him now?” Good. “Can you track him now?’ Good. “Can you track him now?”
Me: We get it, dude.
Me: Aaron, would you go get Stu some beer?
Aaron: Why do I have to do it?
Me: Uh, I can’t drive and Stu can’t walk far enough to take out the trash.
Aaron: Okay, but come with me to keep me company.
Me: Dude, Stu is stuck alone in this place ten hours a day and you can’t take a four minute drive alone. Come on, man. Think.
Aaron: Fine, man. I’ll do it.
Me: Wow. What a fucking humanitarian, eh?
Janine: I told him I’d try to tone down the Winnie the Pooh stuff in the new living room.
Me: You’ll try? It’s not a calculus equation. You either tone it down or you don’t. Your kitchen is nothing but Pooh. Your bedroom is a Pooh Bear museum for crying out loud. You have a Poo tattoo. How much Pooh do you need?
Janine: I said I’ll try.
Me: And I said—
Janine: Shut up.
Stu: Dude, you walked into that sliding glass door.
Me: I know. I’m the one who did it.
Stu: Are you drunk?
Me: How many sober people you know walk into doors, pal?