Tito: So, the bitch gets drunk before she has to go to talk to the state attorney.
Me: Why?
Tito: She said it would help my case.
Me: Why would she think that?
Tito: Man, if you ask that every time I tell you some dumb shit that she does, these conversations are gonna be unnecessarily long.
Me: Dug.
Tito: Huh?
Me: It's like comprende or gotcha, man. I dig it. It's dug. It's a way of saying I understand what you're saying.
Tito: So you said that you understood me in a way I didn't understand.
Me: Totally dug.
Tito: Anyway…
Dan: What happened to Gloria?
Me: Man, you have been away a while.
Dan: She was hot.
Me: Her name was Loria.
Dan: No it wasn't.
Me: Dan, who's memory we gonna trust here?
Dan: Good point. Anyway, where is she?
Me: Dead.
Dan: No?
Me: Car accident. I think the boyfriend got arrested for it.
Dan: He was driving.
Me: Nope. He just likes handcuffs.
Dan: Fuck off. Man, that is a shame. She had one of those one-in-a-million bodies.
Me: Yeah, she was smoking.
Dan: This is totally gonna bring down my masturbation sessions.
Me: You sick, man. Totally fucking sick.
Katy: It's nice to meet you, Nate.
Me: You as well, Katy.
John: You get the hell away from my daughter, Nate.
Me: This your daughter, Old Man John?
John: As long as she stays away from you, she is.
Katy: What?
John: Now honey, I just want the best for you. And the best thing to do, and you can ask around, is to stay away from Nate.
Me: Ouch, that was cold.
Scott: That's a snippet right there.
Me: Quit telling me what you think would make a snippet.
Scott: Why? I'm just trying to help.
Me: Most of the fun of finding a snippet is ripping the chunk of dialogue right out of the throat of spontaneity. When you tell me what to make a snippet, it makes it seem, I don't know, less worthy of being one.
Scott: You know what I think?
Me: Of course not. How the fuck would I know what you think?
Scott: I think that you just don't think anyone else can recognize a good snippet. I think that you think that you've got your finger on the deceptively simple.
Me: I personify the deceptively simple. But that's not the point.
Scott: What is the point?
Me: You're a douche when you point out possible snippets.
Scott: You're just a douche.
Me: Your mom.
Scott: You're just my mom's douche.
Me: Well played.
Scott: Thanks.
Dan: So I heard that Stephanie died, too.
Me: Yup. It was a sadly eventful few months around here.
Dan: And it all happened while I was out of town.
Me: So?
Dan: Don't you think that's weird?
Me: No.
Dan: Yeah, I guess you're right.
Me: Yeah well, it took me long enough to convince you.
John: You know Nate, I like you. You're an amusing, enjoyable guy and you seem to have your heart in the right place.
Me: Thanks, John.
John: But you must know, and I mean this, that I will never allow you to be with my daughter.
Me: Dug.
John: Dug? What the hell is dug? Who's Doug? What are you talking about?
Me: It's like, I can dig it. It's like a way of saying I understand what you're saying.
John: Do other people actually say this?
Me: Nope, but I'm making it happen.
John: Yeah, you're making something stupid happen.