Craig: You know what baffles me about torture?
Dave: Let me think… Nope. Not a clue.
Craig: It's that they can find people who are ready and willing to torture another man. The concept just doesn't seem appealing to me.
Me: Dude, they find people to shovel manure and clean toilets. A man'll do damn near anything if there's enough of a benefit for him.
Craig: I'd rather shovel shit than torture someone, wouldn't you?
Me: Depends on who I'm torturing, I guess.
Dave: I would so love to torture Dora the Explorer.
Me: You got kids, I take it.
Dave: You're a regular fucking Columbo, you know that?
——-
Ben: The problem with having a girlfriend is that it's really only fun in the beginning.
Dan: Yeah, it's like, no matter how great it gets, eventually it gets worse and starts to suck. And then you just wish it was how it was when it started.
Me: Kind of like starting a new job. At first you're all interested and gung ho and then, before you know it, you're casually perusing the want ads, longing for something different and better.
Ben: Actually, I think it happens after you know it.
Me: Huh?
Dan: No. I think it's pretty much the same time.
Me: What is?
Dan: When things start to suck. And you know it.
Ben: Everything starts to suck after it's great; that's why nothing is ever as good as it used to be.
Me: I miss the nineties.
——-
Dan: So like, when we broke up, she said that she would take me back any time I wanted to come back. And now she's marrying a guy named Tim in a few months.
Me: You should show up at the wedding and tell her you want her back.
Dan: That's the kind of thing that you would do, Nate.
Ben: Yeah, but he'd have to be drunk.
Me: I'm sure I could arrange that. I have connections.
——-
Me: So yeah, I got Chlamydia again.
Ben: Why do all the girls you fuck have Chlamydia?
Me: Not all of them. Just like, thirty percent.
Ben: And you're all like, I will take those odds.
Me: They're pretty good odds.
Ben: Maybe for a football game but not for your dick.
Me: My dick is an underdog. That explains a lot.
Ben: It actually explains nothing.
——-
Me: No, it does explain something. You see, my dick is an underdog. Americans love the underdog. Therefore, Americans are likely to love my dick. I like those odds.
Ben: No, it's more like, you are a dick and an odd dick and the odds on you keeping your dick are under… er… good?
Me: Yeah, we'll pretend that was coherent and move on.
Ben: Works for football announcers.
——-
Mr. Sampson: What do you think of my granddaughter?
Me: Seems like a great girl.
Mr. Sampson: Cute, ain't she?
Me: Oh yeah, I'm sure she'll be a beautiful woman one day.
Mr. Sampson: You should ask her out. I hear she has a crush on you.
Me: She's fifteen.
Mr. Sampson: Back in my day, that wouldn't stop a real man.
Me: Your day must have been so awesome.