Craig:  You know what baffles me about torture?

Dave:  Let me think…  Nope.  Not a clue. 

Craig:  It's that they can find people who are ready and willing to torture another man.  The concept just doesn't seem appealing to me. 

Me:  Dude, they find people to shovel manure and clean toilets.  A man'll do damn near anything if there's enough of a benefit for him.

Craig:  I'd rather shovel shit than torture someone, wouldn't you?

Me:  Depends on who I'm torturing, I guess. 

Dave:  I would so love to torture Dora the Explorer. 

Me:  You got kids, I take it. 

Dave:  You're a regular fucking Columbo, you know that?

——-

Ben:  The problem with having a girlfriend is that it's really only fun in the beginning. 

Dan:  Yeah, it's like, no matter how great it gets, eventually it gets worse and starts to suck.  And then you just wish it was how it was when it started. 

Me:  Kind of like starting a new job.  At first you're all interested and gung ho and then, before you know it, you're casually perusing the want ads, longing for something different and better. 

Ben:  Actually, I think it happens after you know it. 

Me:  Huh?

Dan:  No.  I think it's pretty much the same time. 

Me:  What is?

Dan:  When things start to suck.  And you know it.   

Ben:  Everything starts to suck after it's great; that's why nothing is ever as good as it used to be. 

Me:  I miss the nineties. 

——-

Dan:  So like, when we broke up, she said that she would take me back any time I wanted to come back.  And now she's marrying a guy named Tim in a few months. 

Me:  You should show up at the wedding and tell her you want her back. 

Dan:  That's the kind of thing that you would do, Nate. 

Ben:  Yeah, but he'd have to be drunk. 

Me:  I'm sure I could arrange that.  I have connections. 

——-

Me:  So yeah, I got Chlamydia again. 

Ben:  Why do all the girls you fuck have Chlamydia? 

Me:  Not all of them.  Just like, thirty percent. 

Ben:  And you're all like, I will take those odds. 

Me:  They're pretty good odds. 

Ben:  Maybe for a football game but not for your dick. 

Me:  My dick is an underdog.  That explains a lot.

Ben:  It actually explains nothing. 

——-

Me:  No, it does explain something.  You see, my dick is an underdog.  Americans love the underdog.  Therefore, Americans are likely to love my dick.  I like those odds. 

Ben:  No, it's more like, you are a dick and an odd dick and the odds on you keeping your dick are under… er… good?

Me:  Yeah, we'll pretend that was coherent and move on. 

Ben:  Works for football announcers. 

——-

Mr. Sampson:  What do you think of my granddaughter?

Me:  Seems like a great girl. 

Mr. Sampson:  Cute, ain't she?

Me:  Oh yeah, I'm sure she'll be a beautiful woman one day. 

Mr. Sampson:  You should ask her out.  I hear she has a crush on you. 

Me:  She's fifteen.

Mr. Sampson:  Back in my day, that wouldn't stop a real man. 

Me:  Your day must have been so awesome. 

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