Ray: Why are you always throwing ice up into the air and catching it in your mouth?
Me: Tradition.
Ray: I don't understand.
Scotty: No one does, Ray. No one does.
Larry: I can't believe you won six games in a row. I lost six fucking games.
Me: Yeah, but you're not a very good pool player.
Larry: I'm pretty good in Minnesota.
Me: No you're not. You just play with people who suck.
Larry: Are you sure?
Me: Oh yeah. I'm above average at best.
Ray: That's what she said.
Me: Wow. Is that original or did you just make that up?
Ray: No, I'm serious. Didn't you used to bang Sheila over there?
Me: Oh shit. I didn't even see her.
Ray: Well, that's what she said: above average at best.
Me: Whatever. Larry sucks at pool.
Larry: Yeah, that'll make you feel better.
Mom: And how's your girlfriend?
Me: Mad at me.
Mom: What did you do?
Me: Why do you assume it's always something that I did?
Mom: I don't know… thirty plus years of history.
Me: Touche, Mama. Too freaking Che.
Darla: What made you decide to start writing again?
Me: Ray Liota.
Darla: Huh?
Me: Which word didn't you understand?
Darla: You don't know Ray Liota.
Me: You are correct.
Darla: Then how did he make you want to write again?
Me: It's a mystery.
Darla: I can't decide if you're being purposely obtuse or if you're just a dick.
Me: We can't have both?
Me: Why were you and Sheila talking about our sex life?
Ray: We weren't. Sheila was talking to Darla about your sex life and I overheard.
Me: Dude, you won't take your eyes off a hockey game to say hello to me but you'll clue in on the conversation of two chicks you barely know? What the hell is the deal?
Ray: Your inane chatter and boisterous greetings are annoying at best. Them girls are hot as Hades. Do the math. Don't take a genius.
Me: I hate you.
Ray: Like I give a shit.
Jonathan: Do you have to throw ice into your mouth like that?
Me: You know of a better way?
Jonathan: I can't… I just can't talk to this fucking guy…
Jay: What's Jonathan's problem?
Scotty: Nate.
Jay: Well that happens.
Scotty: Hell yeah it does. Whoa! That one touched the ceiling and he still caught it in his mouth!
Jay: That can't be sanitary.
Me: It's not sanitary. It's tradition.
Scotty: At least he's entertained.
Me: That's really all that matters according to David Foster Wallace.
Scotty: Who's he?
Me: A friend of Ray Liota's.
Scotty: What? You know what? Screw it. I don't even want to know.