I have enjoyed reading your glossy, ad-filled magazine for the past 17 months. However, it is time for me to make some changes. I will not be wearing boat shoes, designer shirts or a hundred-dollar haircut. Also, I will no longer be reading BoatWorks. It is a fine publication, and I enjoyed the pointers, and the very good photographs. But I must ask you to cancel my subscription, since I am tired of giving people the impression that I am a vain, pompous asshole. I am sure you understand.
It is not a happy day for me. Your magazine never looked out of place right there on the glass coffee table, next to hardback books about gardening, architecture, and seashells. Underneath the glass were the gears of a mechanical clock. It was the showpiece of the room, and it was also where I liked to do my coke. But ever since I realized that I have been walking around, looking like an emotionally shallow, ostentatious asshole, I've felt the need to make some major changes.
It didn't please me to take down the nautical charts from the wall, which gave people the impression that I actually owned a boat. Nor was it a happy task to destroy the miniature yacht which I stole from a seafood restaurant, and told everybody was a model of my yacht. So it is with deep regret that I ask you to cancel my subscription. Don't send me another magazine, because I'm tired of looking like a complete asshole. But don't reimburse me for the undelivered issues. You can keep the money for yourself. That's the way I want it. Because – trust me – you need this money way worse than I do.
Regretfully yours,
Omar Kitrich