Sub-headline news is where I take today's headlines straight from Yahoo! News, paste them in bold, then add what should've followed, had the reporter been trying to lose his job.
• Rare storm wreaks havoc like sideways tornado
Oklahomans claim the Wicked Witch of the West is back
• Rihanna returns to the red carpet at Met gala
Says she intends to put the whole Chris Brown thing behind her again next week too
• Star college player hasn't found NFL team
Continues to scour country for anyone "wearing pads and looking strong"
• Pakistan attacks Taliban militants with helicopters, mortars
Helicopters unsure what to do when Taliban run inside caves
• Report: More than 1 in 5 homeowners are currently underwater
Only 1 in every 25 homeowners lives in a pineapple under the sea though
• 1,200 homes evacuated as SoCal wildfire grows
Officials say wildfire is spreading like wildfire
• Boston Globe reaches tentative settlement with largest union
Massachussetts eager to make settlement official with marriage license
• Calif. couple, toddler found dead in apparent murder-suicide
Unstable toddler had history of violent tantrums
• Car bombing at Baghdad produce market kills 15
11 baby carrots included in death toll; parents appeal for peace
• Man accused of trying to smuggle songbirds under his pants
Songbirds singing beautifully thanks to ballsweat lubrication
• 15 lawsuits claim denture cream caused health problems
Defendant plans to stall proceedings until plaintiffs hurry up and die
• Banks returning bailouts will face conditions
Oklahomans demand they take the form of sideways tornadoes