CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a study released earlier this week, social scientists from Harvard University found that when healthy individuals between the ages of 18 and 32 read more than three chapters of The Imbible they "laughed their fucking asses off."
"I couldn't believe it," remarked Jeffery Gaia, MD, MS, who has spent his life studying every company's ideal marketing demographic. "It seemed like the laughing never fucking stopped."
But Michael Stayton, PhD, who consulted on the project, didn't share his surprise.
"While The Imbible is not a licensed physician, it is qualified to raise your BAC." "In my experience," began the world renowned scientist responsible for the discovery of several hard-to-pronounce terms frequently highlighted in college textbooks, "when you give young people a book like The Imbible, it is nearly impossible for them to not create lifelong memories filled with laughter and enjoyment, regardless of whether or not their blood alcohol content is reaching catatonic levels."
Gaia and his team spent months pouring over mounds of data. Their analysis included measuring test subject's laughs per page (3.47), drinks per minute (1.09), and how many times per hour someone exclaimed "Holy schnitzegiggle, I am balls-deep in Ms. Drunkenness," (4.713).
But the team also studied a controversial data point—namely, how long it took male subjects to ejaculate after a series of drinking games.
"At first, the ejaculatory study was going well; with a nice buzz, men could jam hole as long as they wanted," said Dr. Steven Jobs, ChB, who has no relation to the Apple founder and CEO and would appreciate you not making lame fucking jokes about it all the time. "But after a fourth round of the card game Drunken Pirates, two of the three subjects couldn't even blow their load all over the female's chest as she simultaneously experienced a volcanic orgasm of cataclysmic proportions."
Added Jobs, "It was very disheartening."
But Jobs' tone may have been different had he known that on the other side of the globe, in a completely unrelated study, a team of highly-distinguished geneticists were also conducting tests on The Imbible.
"What drew us to The Imbible," said Dr. Huang Jio, speaking from his 15,000 square foot lab complete with beakers, graduated cylinders, crazy-ass tubes and other sciencey shit, "was how it managed to be both hilarious, as well as get everyone involved totally fucking shit-canned."
What Jio and his group of ridiculously smart scientist friends aimed to discover was how simple words on paper—without digital enhancement or the help of Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen—were able to make people have such an incredibly awesome time that they ran out of synonyms to describe it.
Jio used subjects from 32 countries to try to find a common link. He spent weeks working alongside some of the world's most difficult-to-pronounce names, searching for a specific gene or chemical may have been injected into The Imbible to could give it such powers. Jio believed, quite ominously, that the chemical could contain as many as six syllables.
The Imbible never rolls without at least two females. You know how it is when the party don't stop. Nonetheless, he pushed forward, and just over a month later, he emerged from the lab, triumphant.
With his hair long and his stereotypical white doctor coat dirty and disheveled, he announced the results:
"Scientists, doctors, and members of the consumer group every publishing house dreams about capturing…after weeks of intense study and investigation, my team and I have concluded that the reason The Imbible is able to make anyone who reads it laugh obnoxiously loud and get completely fat-chick-fucking-drunk is because…well, because it's a humor book about drinking games you morons—how would it not make you laugh and drink?"
Moved by his speech, members of the target demographic CEOs have wet dreams about broke into raucous applause, calling the results "spellbinding" and "totally obvious, but what the fuck do I care, I'm about to be so tanked on C-Mo's I'd fuck my Corolla's tailpipe."
President Bush praised both Gaia and Jio, calling their in-depth looks into The Imbible "touching," "awe-inspiring," and "turn that camera off, I'm about to get fucking obliterated up in this bitch."
Even the Dalai Lama, who is not especially known for heavy drinking and breaking furniture, played every game in the "Coin Games" section of The Imbible, and then began shattering vases with his walking stick. Advised his Holiness, "In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher…so watch how he bounces his quarter and then double-stack his bitch ass."
By the end of the ceremony, even the notoriously stoic Jio couldn't help but get a little teary-eyed.
"It's just, it's, just, it's just so…right," he said, wiping an alcohol-filled tear from his cheek and chasing it with a spiked can of Red Bull. "It's the perfect balance of science and humanism, somehow put into words and combined with R-rated humor about drinking and sex."
Theologists are already considering amending the Bible to include the phrase, "And God said let there be awesomeness, and The Imbible was born."