>>> About Last Night…
By staff writer Ali Wisch
December 7, 2005
I‘m currently working at a home goods store called Homeport. But really, I think they should change the name to Couple's Paradise, because with the holidays around the corner, I feel like it has transformed from a place where you go to buy pot holders into a place where couples go to make out behind shower curtains and roll around in display bed sheets. There comes a point in every work day where I feel like walking over to these people and shouting “I GET IT,” so maybe they'll move on to some place a little more appropriate, like Motel 6.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not completely against any form of PDA, but there is a line—a line that is only acceptable to cross when you are 10 deep into shots of Popov, or maybe in a dark back corner of a frat house. Of course, this line has been crossed many times, and will continue to be crossed by all kinds of couples. You know the ones I'm talking about—the couples that walk arm in arm with their Starbucks lattes, and the ones that you think are cute until the girl starts rubbing her man's ass and you can't tell if she's trying to find his back pocket or his asshole. So, as a result of multiple instances of walking in on people in the back room, as well as my utter boredom at work, I have compiled some guidelines for what I find appropriate and inappropriate PDA in certain situations.
“If you haven't experienced something inappropriate during a fire drill, you probably haven't lived in a freshman dorm.”
Public Places
Going shopping with your significant other can be alright. Personally I prefer to go with my girlfriends, but if you and your man can bond over it then go for it. In these situations though, I say keep it in your pants. You want to hold hands, hold hands. You want to put your hands in each other's back pockets, by all means do—if you're over 40. I even think it's cool to wear matching T-shirts and go out in public—as long as you're over 60 and in a foreign country.
Parties
Public displays of affection at parties is an iffy subject because these couples are most likely under the influence of one or multiple substances and I'm sure that myself as well as you has committed one or more of the following:
• A peck on the lips, cheek, neck, hand, whatever – cute. and even girl-on-girl action in this situation is okay. The only reason this kind of kiss could piss anyone off is if they are a covert stalker of the man or woman in question.
• Making out – questionable. Preferably, if you feel the need to lip lock for more than half a second, slip into a side hallway, driveway, back alley (although that's sketchy) for your multiple second tongue tangling.
• Making out with fondling – save it for the bathroom. However, if you and your girlfriend, boyfriend, or one night stand choose to do this, prepare for some serious repercussions when you leave the bathroom—we all know what the lines get like at parties.
Getting it on at a club is skeevy whether you have been together for 5 years or 5 minutes. Do what you want, but no matter the situation you will look gross and inappropriate—at least try to make it to an alleyway.
Dorms
Dorm life will provide several circumstances in which PDA is unavoidable. It is a combination of the curse of freshman sluttiness, bunk beds, jail cell-sized rooms, and fire drills at random hours of the night. If you haven't experienced something inappropriate during a fire drill, you probably haven't lived in a freshman dorm. First there is always the girl who comes out dripping wet in her towel, which could easily be mistaken for a washcloth, and then there is the couple that comes out half naked wrapped in blankets. The blankets or sheets may cover up about 50% of the couple's naked bodies but don't do anything for that freshman boy's boner. During the time that it takes the fire department to get to your dorm, these two people have given the rest of campus a free version of a softcore porn—as if you didn't know what was going on pre-fire drill. As far as bunk beds go, while they are a great space saver, they aren't sound-proof. This usually provides some roommate conflict because while one is glowing the next morning, the other is glowering.
Semi-Public Places
Public showers, restrooms, janitor's closets, and laundry rooms can be expected to be used for things other than what they were intended. I say, leave the people who resort to this alone. While the couple in the shower is probably contracting athlete's foot and those in the laundry room are being caught by the surveillance cams, be glad they're not on the bunk bed above or below you, in your break room at work, or rubbing up against you at a party. At the end of the night, it may be worth it to sacrifice your after-party shower for some peace and quiet in the bedroom.