>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
December 25, 2003
The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)
River Too High for Wash. Re-Enactment
BY JEFFREY GOLD, Associated Press Writer
WASHINGTON CROSSING, N.J. – A Christmas Eve downpour following heavy rain and snow made the Delaware River too dangerous for the annual re-enactment of George Washington's bold Revolutionary War crossing Thursday, grounding the actors for the second Christmas in a row.
Wow, there's nothing more ironic then being too scared to re-enact a BOLD river crossing because it was “too rainy.” Just get in the fucking boat. Pussy.
Last year, sleet, wind and strong currents prevented the crossing–conditions similar to what Washington faced as he and his men crossed from Pennsylvania to New Jersey in the dark on Christmas Day 227 years ago. That 1776 maneuver led to key victories in Trenton and Princeton and reversed the Continental Army's fortunes.
Not only that, but last year, General Cornwallis's great-great-great-great-great-grandson was waiting for the Washington Reenactment on the other side with his militia men, conditions similar to what Washington faced indeed.
Even with the crossing reenactment called off Thursday, thousands of spectators watched as actors in period costume marched, fired artillery and read from Thomas Paine's “Common Sense.”
Can you imagine, thousands of spectators watching that? I can do stuff so much cooler than that and I bet I will NEVER have thousands of people watching me. Once I peed for 1 minute and 49 seconds straight, and my only audience was my dog. And even he left in a huff at the 45-second mark.
New Jersey Gov. James E. McGreevey told the crowd that Washington's strengths are again needed to confront terrorism.
Oh Jesus, here we go. Yes, yes, and Lincoln's honesty is needed to fight Saddam, and Herbert Hoover's hat is needed to block the sun. The list goes on and on people.
“It will be those same values, courage and determination that will forever keep this nation free,” McGreevey said.
Washington owned slaves, how's that for a free nation, McGreedy! Ohhh snap.
The reenactment, started by local history buffs in 1952, typically involves 60-foot wooden boats, replicas of the Revolutionary War-era Durham cargo boats.
Can you imagine living in a world before 1952, when there were NO reenactments? Jeez, how did the local history buffs survive? Oh that's right, internet pornography.
Jane Crawford, spokeswoman for the Pennsylvania Historical and Museum Commission, said the park had “plenty of volunteers,” with 27 oarsmen and 72 troops signed up to cross the river. But in high or rough river conditions, the boats are considered unsafe.
That's so weird that out of all these history buffs, not one of them is brave enough to actually recreate history. He defeated the fucking British for crying out loud, the least you can do is get a little wet! I mean you don't even have to row! You get twenty-seven oarsmen! Tee hee, I said oarsmen.
The river was 7 feet above normal in morning, and flowing at 15 mph, triple the normal rate, park administrator Michael A. Berthaud said.
At what point do you just pay the Indian to ferry your paddle boat across the river, rather than risk losing your oxen? I mean this is real life we're dealing with people. In other news, I would like a shirt that says “Re-Enact this” then an arrow down to my penis. But that's just me.