You may or may not have noticed, but I haven't been writing as much this summer as I have in the past. The reason for my little writing hiatus is that, by the very definition of summer, it is sunnier outside than the rest of the year (duh), meaning that I'm probably outside playing. I know this may suck for those of you huddled around your computers, on the other side of the world, eagerly awaiting new articles in the dead of winter, but just think, in six short months you'll be out playing in the sunshine while I'm huddled inside, over my computer, churning out articles you'll likely never have time to read.
I rock so hard, I require a helmet.Something else that has kept me away from the keyboard lately: I've gotten sick more times this summer than any previous summer in all of Andrei history. (Yes, it's true, I am my own era.) Personally, I think it should be against the universal laws of nature to get sick during the summer, but microbes are apparently Anarchists and don't give a shit about my rules.
Now I know what you are thinking, "Andrei, if you're lying in bed sick that means you should have even MORE time to write for our personal amusement." To that I say, "WRONG, dear readers!" The last thing I usually want to do when I'm home sick is stare at a computer screen trying to remember the difference between "affect" and "effect." (Being dyslexic, I have to look it up, every single fucking time!) Besides, when I'm home sick there are several other activities that take precedence over writing.
So without further adieu here are the "Top 5 Things I Like to Do When I'm Sick."
#5 Sleep
This one really is a bittersweet activity for me when I'm sick. While I obviously love and need to sleep while sick, it is my least favorite thing to do with my sick time. Once I've actually made that decision to stay home, it's almost like a little mini-vacation switch goes off in my head, even if I do feel like complete shit. I instantly realize I have the entire day to lounge around and do nothing, with absolutely no guilt whatsoever about being completely lazy and unproductive. So whenever I end up sleeping the entire day away, although I usually feel better physically, it always leaves me feeling like I've just been highly unproductive at utilizing my lazy time effectively.
There are so many better things to do, with my time off from the world, other than sleep, and most of these things I usually don't have time to do regularly on a day to day basis. So sleep is usually the thing I should be doing most, but is always the last thing I want to actually be doing with my time. Unless I get to have some bad-ass, psychedelic, multi-layered, NyQuil dreams—then it's kind of cool.
#4 Watch Daytime TV & Movies
Very little says "staying home sick" better than watching really bad daytime television. Whether you're watching soap operas, daytime talk shows, court room proceedings, or straight up trailer trash assaulting each other, they are always there for you when you're sick. The best part about daytime television is that you don't have to follow ANY of the programs to know what's going on. You could literally go years without watching any of these shows and then suddenly turn them on and know exactly what's going on.
The Price is Right hasn't changed in years!However, what I like to do much more than watch daytime television when I'm sick is to watch movies. My parents owned the movie theater in the town I grew up in, so there is quite literally cellulose coursing through my veins. Wait, that just sounded really disgusting and reminds me of cellulite, like I'm one of those people who are too fat to leave the house and need a crane to be lifted out of bed. Scratch that, there is absolutely NO cellulose in my veins…I just really like movies. The trouble is that I'm a fairly active person with places to go and people to see, and I can't seem to keep up with my feet, let alone all the movie releases each year. So sickie time for me is often spent catching up on movies that I've invariably promised someone I would see, but really had no intention of ever realistically watching due to a complete lack of time. Basically, watching movies when I'm sick makes an honest man out of me to all my friends. And on the plus side it takes minimal movement at best.
#3 Play Video Games
I love playing video games, however, I refuse to let it get in the way of real life, which means invariably there are tons of video games that I either need to catch up on, or maybe actually open and start playing. (Yes, I am ashamed to say that I have several that remain unopened to this day.) Staying home sick affords the perfect opportunity to spend many days lying in bed playing video games completely guilt free.
In fact, one of the main reasons I fall so far behind on video games these days is that it actually does take an entire day just to get from one save point to another. Either that or you have to create an entirely separate virtual version of yourself and immerse yourself in a virtual world for many days at a time. By the time you emerge into actual reality you are both extremely horny, due to lack of any actual real human contact, and five pounds heavier than you were when you went in, due to all the sitting on your ass for so long. Don't get me wrong, video games are great and they will always hold a special place in my heart, but repeatedly trying to get Kratos to bring those women to orgasm, in God of War, pales in comparison to actually doing it in real life. Not for nothing though, but if real women gave men the proper button combinations to press in order to make them cum, there would be a lot more satisfied women in the world. Just sayin'.
#2 Sing Barry White Songs
One of my all-time favorite things to do, when I have laryngitis and my voice is four octaves lower than usual, is sing "Love Serenade" by Barry White, in my crazy-deep sick voice: "Take it off. Baby, take it ALLLLLL…OFF."
Now I know that a certain adorable PIC writer named Ashley Garmany would say that Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World" is the better choice, but honestly Ashley, you're from Loveland, Ohio for crying out loud! You should be ashamed of yourself for hailing from a place called "Loveland" and picking Louis Armstrong over Barry White as your sick voice singer of choice (hey, that rhymed! You should know that I get very excited by rhymes). As your punishment for not adequately representing your hometown's name, I sentence you to seven extra hours of playing with your Pikachu this weekend. Who are we kidding though, Ash, being in Ohio, that's likely all you were planning on doing this weekend anyway.
Let me break this down for you. When I am sick, but still feeling up to it (and I am ALWAYS up to it), lines like, "I don't wanna feel no clothes…I don't wanna see no panties…And take off that brassiere, my dear" can only lead to me feeling that much better, that much faster. Conversely, if I am ever feeling SO crappy that I can't possibly be up for it (a major emergency situation), then lines like, "Help me…Help me…Oh baby help me" can double as a plea to take me to the hospital immediately.
Wow, all this talk of sex brings me to number one.
#1 Have Sex
Go ahead and climb up on this rock.Yeah, like you didn't see that one coming. Truth be told, having sex pretty much tops any list I could ever create about things I like to do, regardless of the subject matter. So it should come as no surprise that it tops this list as well, especially since it has been shown time and time again that having sex regularly leads to greater overall physical and mental health. It is a known medical fact that having sex has several health benefits, including, but not limited to boosting your immunity, increasing circulation, reducing headaches, reducing pain, reducing stress, helping you sleep better, boosting immunoglobulin A, producing natural antihistamines, stimulating antibody production, and the list goes on and on and on (*whispers* just like me). It's practically the cure for the common cold, people!
However, out of courtesy, you might want to refrain from kissing on the mouth during "Under the Weather Sex" * in order not to pass your illness on to your partner. Oh and just a word to the wise, if your partner is also feeling under the weather, beware of the dreaded sex cough. Guys, if you've ever had a woman cough when you are inside her then you know EXACTLY what I mean. It's a lot like being shot out of a cannon without a countdown or any kind of warning.
* Please note: There is an important distinction between "Under the Weather Sex" and "Sick Sex," which usually refers to either really good sex or something WAY MORE kinky.