Every year around this time, I like to put together a "to do" list, of sorts. Basically, it's a list of celebrities that I would do, no questions asked. Not only does it give me an indication of how my preferences in attractiveness change over the years, but I also get to stare at hot celebrities whose lives are infinitely better than mine. This year's selections, I've found, are a bit more distinguished than previous ones, as my palette seems to have skewed more towards older, more established men.
Let's begin, shall we?
Eric Bana
Hulk, Troy, The Time Traveler's Wife
I don't know what it is, but something about Mr. Bana makes my lady bits take notice. I tend to be more attracted to the dark hair/dark eyes combo, which could explain this one. Or it could be because he's hot and every time I look at him I want him to bend me over and railroad me from behind, preferably in a public place where the fear of getting caught increases. Also there's an Al Green song playing. And the lighting is dim. And… wait, where was I?
Combine his incredible looks with that Australian accent and the fact that he's actually a really funny guy…well, it's enough to make any girl need a change of panties.
Steve Carell
The Office, Anchorman, The Daily Show
I was first introduced to Steve when he was still on the The Daily Show and even then I knew I wanted him. I've always had a thing for nerdy, intellectual, sarcastic types. Which would explain the crush I had on my high school algebra teacher. And my college geography professor. And why I took three completely unnecessary quarters of English with the same professor just because I wanted something nice to look at and listen to every day.
Steve Carell embodies this type of man: he's cute, hilarious, and has a little something going on upstairs. Which makes a little something happen to me downstairs.
Scarlett Johansson
Lost in Translation, Iron Man 2
As I've aged, I've also noticed that I have developed a greater appreciation for the female form. Plus, come on, it's Scarlett Johansson. Who wouldn't hit that? Together, we would be unstoppable: with her money and my presidential inaugural plates collection, nothing could hold us back. Also, I'm almost positive that with our combined boob weight alone we could take over the world.
I feel like our union would be reminiscent of that one night in college when you get really drunk and end up making out with your best friend just because she's there and her lips are soft and… no? Was I the only one who experienced that?
John Schnatter, "Papa John"
Founder of Papa John's Pizza
Mr. Schnatter has made an appearance on my list for six years running now, not just because of his delicious culinary genius in the pizza arena, but because he's surprising good-looking for a man who goes by the name "Papa." I'd let him stick his breadstick in my oven, if you know what I'm saying. He could dip his cheesy bread in my garlic sauce. I bet he's got some extra sausage on his pizza… I don't know where I was going with that one.
He's got the looks in addition to knowing his way around a kitchen. And, as we all know, my own culinary skills don't extend beyond hitting the "Easy Minute" button on the microwave. Any man who could butter my muffin and then go to the kitchen and butter my muffin is a winner in my book.
Rutherford B. Hayes
19th President of the United States
This one is more for bragging rights. I mean, who wouldn't want to bone a United States president? JFK is too cliché, so I knew when I was doing my research for this column (also known as, "Googling the phrase ‘presidential mustaches'") I wanted a man with a distinguished appearance. Enter Rutherford B. Hayes.
Look at that glorious facial hair. He's even got a sweet mustache. Or as I like to call them, handlebars. He's also got the whole Commander in Chief thing going on, so after we screw, he could go write a new law or pass an amendment or whatever hell the else it is that presidents do.
Christian Bale
The Dark Knight, American Psycho
Christian has the whole "bad boy" thing going on that most women can't resist. I'm not going to lie, I like a man who verbally abuses others for doing their job… it makes me hot. Not to mention, he also has the unique ability to alter his appearance at the drop of a hat. So when I start getting bored with Preppy Christian Bale, he goes away for a month and comes back looking like Sexy Muscley Christian Bale.
His looks, coupled with the fact that he could go completely psycho on me at any moment makes my skin tingle with anticipation. Bale is further proof that it doesn't matter if you have a questionable personality, all that really matters in this world are looks.
William "Court" Courtney Sullivan
Editor of Points in Case
You know, I've often heard that trying to sleep your way to the top will ultimately get you nowhere in life… except maybe on a side street, with a man who calls himself a doctor, performing a back alley abortion on you using a metal coat hanger and some rubbing alcohol. So you can imagine how utterly defeated I felt by the time I reached the doors of the Points in Case home office (also known as Court's apartment in a sketchy part of Atlanta).
But to my surprise, Court didn't make me sleep with him to advance my writing career! All I had to do was perform a couple acts of fellatio on him and his friends and I was given my own column! I can only dream that one day he finally lets me have sex with him and helps me fulfill my dream of nailing everyone on this list.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go down to Children's Hospital to begin doing my research for next year's list. After all, there's a potentially bangable celebrity born every minute.