As yet another Valentine's Day approaches, and I stare down the road of empty, bitter cold loneliness, I find myself asking the question, "Is it me?"
According to Facebook, most people my age are either getting married or having babies. Also, according to Facebook, my sister is having a hard time potty training my niece and some guy I went to kindergarten with really hates the Pittsburgh Steelers. (It should be noted that I don't in fact get all of my news from Facebook. I'm not that pathetic. I do read such reputable new sources as People Magazine and Us Weekly as well.)
I just want you to buy me food and go see a bad chick flick with me. So as I approach the ripe old age of 19—okay, not buying it? 21?—I've begun looking over my life and trying to see what changes I could possibly make to help me ensnare a fella. This is what I've come up with:
1. Maybe reference Twilight a little less.
In hindsight, somehow relating every circumstance in the world back to Stephenie Meyer's epic saga is probably a lot less impressive than I think it is. For example: "I'm really sorry to hear about your dad dying. It reminds me a lot of how in The Twilight Saga: New Moon, when Edward leaves Bella, and it's almost like he died. His departure was really hard for me, as I imagine the brutal death of your father is for you. Did they ever find his head?"
2. Learn to cook.
Men are seemingly becoming less and less impressed with my pizza bagels. And my pizza English muffins. And my pizza soup. And my ability to call Domino's and order pizza.
3. Stop laughing at fart jokes.
You know what, I take that back. Farts will always be funny and anyone who tells you otherwise is a dirty liar.
4. Don't let guys I date read this column.
F
or one thing, it sets the bar too high. They end up thinking I'm some nympho who always wants to have sex and party, when in reality, I just want you to buy me food and go see a bad chick flick with me, like every other girl.
Based on the emails and messages I receive from guys who read this column and don't actually know me, they seem to think I'm this cool, laidback girl who just wants to hang out. I'm not. I, too, am a complete psycho who has no idea what she wants and will freak out on you if you don't respond to my texts in a timely manner.
5. Maybe try to come off as a little bit less manly.
Guys don't seem to like it when I beat them at arm wrestling and then yell, "You're not a man! You're not a man!" as they lie weeping on the floor in the fetal position.
Perhaps more ladylike behavior in general would improve my chances of not spending next Valentine's Day alone.
You know what? Actually, as I'm reading over this, I'm realizing that I'm not the problem. I'm perfect the way I am. Men are the problem; I've been right all along. Stop being such sketchy douches and CALL. Don't play games, don't try to be cool, and for the love of God, DO NOT wear a blazer over a t-shirt. How many times do I have to tell you, it does not look good.