Know Your Republican Nominee Quiz

Does Michele Bachmann dress…

1. 1. …like the sous chef at a $30-a-plate seafood restaurant in Dayton, Ohio.

1. 1. …like the concierge at Sandals Jamaica.

1. 1. …like she thinks she's running for Mayor of Cloud City against incumbent Lando Calrissian.

1. All of the above.

Who is Rick Perry?

1. 1. Texas Governor who decided he wanted to be President of the United States in the spring of 2011 (roughly 6 months ago, or about the same amount of time one might consider purchasing a blender).

1. 1. Actor who specializes in playing President in TV movies about alien invasions.

1. 1. Actor best known for playing a senator who murders his wife in Law & Order: SVU, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, and CSI: Miami.

1. Only the best goddamn Chrysler salesman in all of Duval County, Texas!

Republican Presidential hopeful Herman Cain is best known for…

1. 1. …his 9-9-9 plan, which would replace all current taxes (such as the payroll tax, capital gains tax, and the estate tax) with 9% business transaction tax, 9% personal income tax, and a 9% federal sales tax—the same tax structure as the popular video game Sim City.

1. 1. …his “Reach For 100 Plan,” wherein he would implement a non-partisan committee constituting members from both Houses to devise a plan to hide gold coins throughout the country. Whoever collects 100 coins gets an Extra Life. It is not clear if this means free health care or some sort of slave.

1. …his proposed Mushroom Cup Transit Appropriation Plan, wherein all federally-owned roads and bridges would replace large and sluggish automobiles with speedy and fuel efficient go-carts. Also, in an attempt to eliminate wasteful government spending on local and state police patrols, the patrons of the roads would be required to govern roads themselves. If you spot someone driving too fast or recklessly, you will be allowed to hurl turtle shells or drop banana peels, sending the irresponsible driver into a tailspin. Moreover, you will receive the coins that the negligent driver has accumulated (see: Reach For 100 Plan).

Rick Santorum is best known as…

1. 1. The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.

1. 1. A handsome haircut attached to a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter.

1. Someone who looks like they use the N-word a lot when someone cuts them off on the highway.

Ron Paul is running for the highest office in the Federal Government because he…

1. 1. Hates the federal government.

1. 1. Doesn't really know, but seriously…fuck the government.

1. 1. God…he really can't express to you in words how much he hates the Federal Government. How committed is he? Well he's been trying to kill his postal carrier for years…but Terri, that government minion bitch, is squirrelly as hell. But he wants you to know, he respects Terri's tenacity—a worthy adversary. But the free market is going to plant a butcher knife between her Federal Lackey eyeballs one of these days…just you wait…one of these days.

1. Wants a public forum with the largest audience possible, to look directly into the camera on election night and challenge Terri, his postal carrier, to a no-holds-barred cage match. Winner takes the other's spouse and children as slaves, settling this thing once and for all.

Why is Newt Gingrich running for president?

1. 1. Because he thinks it's 1996.

1. All of the above.

Mitt Romney's favorite name for a kitten is…

1. 1. Tasha

1. 1. Very Tiny Mitt Romney: Mayor of Purr Town

1. 1. Rick Perry (then naked in a candlelit bathroom, he drowns kitten in a toilet with his bare hands as he cries and begs “Rick Perry” to forgive him)

1. Trick question: Mormons don't believe in cats