20 Things I'm Sorry For, Sort Of

Recently I woke up in the afternoon thinking, "What the hell just happened?" Then a friend called, laughing, to tell me, "You need to tell a lot of people you're sorry." So I figured here's my chance to apologize for things I've done—both drunk and sober.

And so I begin with the lamentations begging forgiveness.

1. Sorry I've been feeding boogers to your fish. I figured if they didn't like them, they wouldn't eat them. Same same goes for me hawking loogies in your dog's mouth. He enjoys that game more than I do.
2. Oops, I banged your girlfriend. Sorry. If it makes you feel any better, she was just using me to get back at you for being a shitty boyfriend.
3. Hey dude, I apologize for breaking your nose, orbital bone or random face part. You should have listened to me when I told you to leave the bar. Or you should have told your bitchy girlfriend to calm down and quit slapping me.
4. Sorry for cutting you off. I broke my neck a bit ago, so I can't turn my head to check blind spots.
5. I wouldn't have put my penis on your toothbrush if you wouldn't just leave it on the sink. And if you weren't such a slob. And if I didn't think you'd secretly like it. Even so, my weiner is probably the cleanest thing to touch your ancient Oral B. Sorry.
6. Hey NYU girl, I apologize for pooping in the toilet that you told me was broken. I was drunk and I forgot. Then it appears I stepped all over your roommate's freshly painted canvas. And I lied about not having condoms. I knew if I attempted coitus I'd just barf on you. So I settled for a sweet knobber.
7. To a few of my ex-girlfriends, I would have dumped you a lot sooner, but your friends and relatives kept dying or getting sick. I just have no power over a crying woman. Sorry.
8. I apologize, but I actually meant to hurt your business by telling everybody you're a racist, sexist, elitist and classist. But unfortunately for you it's the truth. And you're about as Irish as McDonald's.
9. Sorry, I, um, got gum stuck in your pubes when I ate you out. That really sucked. But hey, at least we both eventually found out how awesome a shaved vagina feels. Yay!
10. Guys, sorry for farting around you while you're talking to chicks, and then leaving. It's called cropdusting. And yes, I do it because I'm jealous.
11. I seduced you, which was my goal. I had no idea you were such a psycho though. Forgive me.
12. Yes, I peed in your cat's litter box. I just wanted to see if the smell could get any worse—and to my surprise, it did! Plus, your cat gave me some serious grief throughout the days and nights.
13. I've also peed in most bathtubs and sinks I've encountered while drunk. Sorry, but I figured I was doing the Earth a favor by conserving water. I kind of forgot that you bathe, wash, and relax while using those. My fault.
14. Sorry for signing you up for the Army. Or gay porn sites. Or telling the Army you look at gay porn. Or telling porn sites you're in the Army and will wear your uniform on demand.
15. I know it was shitty of me to tell that homeless guy you were carrying my wallet. But you seemed to like talking to him about space rubber umbrellas or whatever the hell he was mumbling about.
16. Technically, I guess I sort of roofied you when I told you to take two Tylenol PMs. But not to take sexual advantage of you. I just wanted you to go to sleep so I didn't have to listen to you crying about whatever was pissing you off. And who guessed it? We both woke up after a decent night of rest. You had nice drug-induced dreams, while my ears quit bleeding from your constant nagging. It was a win/win situation. YAY!
17. I wrote my name above your toilet because I thought it would be funny if everybody in town joined me. Then you painted over it, so I carved my name up there. Sorry about that. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
18. To the plane passengers, when turbulence shook the entire cabin and you all started screaming but I woke up from my nap laughing, I'm sorry for sounding like a psycho and scaring you even more. When you've almost died as many times as I have, a few bumps are actually welcome during a boring ride.
19. Also, sorry for laughing at you when I gave you an orgasm. I thought you were faking it to make me feel better. I didn't realize it was real. But come on, you have to admit your noises and faces were funny. I know mine are.
20. I crashed your work truck into a weighing station, wooden carriage wheel, and another work truck. Sorry, but I told you I didn't have any construction experience.

And those are all the confessions I can think of for now.

Do you guys have anything you're sorry for but don't really want to tell the person you're apologizing to?