The summer movie season has officially started, with some extra-neat flicks coming to a theater near you, like Transformers 2, Terminator: Salvation, Star Trek, G.I. Joe, Harry Potter 6 and Dirty Midget Asian Backdoor Skanks 12.
Movie-watching is an American pastime, but even something as easy as sitting on your ass for 90 minutes can confuse even the smartest person from the United States. So I'm here to teach you how to go to a movie theater and enjoy yourself without taking away from the experience of other moviegoers.
Here are the Casey Freeman "Do's and Don'ts of Going to a Movie."
| You're standing in line to buy tickets. |
DO: Find a movie and a showtime you'll like before arriving at the theater. Or be a risk taker and just hope you'll see something good.
DO: Remember to bring your wallet, cash or credit cards.
DO: Pick up some candy somewhere else besides the refreshment stand in the theater. You can fly M&Ms to the moon cheaper than you can buy them in there.
DO: Wear a nifty t-shirt related to the movie while you wait in line.
DO: Smoke weed or drink a little booze before you walk inside the theater. Nothing makes a shitty movie better than a little buzz.
DO: Talk with your friend or your date about how excited your are to see "Big Momma's House 4: Back Dat Big Momma Azz Up." Because sometimes it's hard to tell if somebody is mentally challenged, and knowing is a good thing.
DON'T: Wait until you're at the front of the line to decide to look at the board to see what movies are playing. This is only acceptable if it's your first time in public. Either way, it's perfectly cool for you to see if you can stop a moving locomotive with your head.
DON'T: Complain to the clerk about how expensive movies are these days. He or she is probably 16 years old and making five cents over minimum wage. Movies were always expensive and you'll always be a cheap anus eater.
DON'T: Bring your checkbook, you stupid old fuck.
DON'T: Ask the clerk if Wild Hogs is a good movie. If you can't tell on your own, find the nearest electrical cord, and bite down as hard as you can.
| You're inside the theater, but the movie hasn't started yet. |
DO: Take a leak before you get to your seat.
DO: Buy some overpriced junk food. What better way to complement being sedentary for two hours than 900 fat calories, a few sticks of butter, and maybe two pounds of sugar?
DO: Carry on a conversation with your friend or date. Sometimes talking is nice.
DO: Answer the ultra-retarded quizzes out loud. Because, honestly, some people didn't know Tom Hanks was in Forrest Gump.
DO: Open your snacks beforehand and sample a few of them.
DO: Turn off your cell phone. Any ringtone is annoying in the middle of a movie. Plus, if you're that important that you're expecting a call, don't go to a fucking movie. In fact, play "Depth Charges."*
DON'T: Sit next to somebody when there are plenty of other seats available. Ask first. When the polite sitter tells you the spot is taken, take your mouth-breathing somewhere else.
DON'T: Forget to take a leak. You just paid a hefty amount for a ticket. You don't wanna have to go potty during a crucial plot point.
*Depth Charge: Fill your bath full of water and sit in it. Then invite neighborhood children to throw plugged-in appliances into the tub.
| The previews are starting. |
DO: Tell your movie-going companion if you think that was a cool preview or not.
DO: Applaud if the preview turns out to be extra cool.
DON'T: Give us a lecture about the director, actor, music, or special effects in the movie preview. It's a trailer. We don't really care that this is yet another movie that will promise to make Hannah Montana an even bigger star.
DON'T: Yell "Get on with the movie already!" I actually like previews. If you don't, wait for the movie to come out on DVD. Then find all your stepmom's pills and swallow them, you fucking douchebag.
DON'T: Forget to pee. This could be your last chance.
| The curtains open! The movie is starting! |
DO: Clap or cheer, for a little bit. This sure is exciting. Seeing a movie and all.
DO: Prepare your hands to stuff your face with candy and popcorn.
DO: Watch silently, laughing or gasping when necessary.
DO: Bring your child or infant to a matinée. Kids like movies and cartoons and stuff.
DO: Go ahead and cry if there's a sad part. Nothing wrong with a tear or two.
DO: Hold your date's hand.
DON'T: Complain out loud about how much butter or oil is on your popcorn. The candy counter boy is hoping you'll have a heart attack because you're a fat worthless slob.
DON'T: Ask your friend plot questions. If you can't follow a movie without a translator, go find a coloring book and some crayons. Then stuff the crayons into your brain.
DON'T: Talk. You probably talk every waking minute you have. Do everybody a favor and shut the fuck up already. If you have to do something with your mouth, eat something or hold your breath until you pass out or die. Or give blowjobs or something. Just shut the fuck up.
DON'T: Text message people. Seriously, you're in a movie. If your significant other doesn't understand, you should consider breaking up. Or murder-suicide.
DON'T: Forget to turn off your cell phone.
DON'T: Answer your fucking cell phone. You're not Jack Bauer. You have no reason to live. You're going to a movie because you have no fucking life. So do everybody a favor and shut up.
DON'T: Bring any food in complicated "crackily" wrappers. Honestly, if you're too stupid to open the package, perhaps you should just try to swallow your food whole, so you choke to death and quit using all the high-quality oxygen the rest of us would like to breathe.
DON'T: Chew with your mouth open. I know we're in the United States, and being just a little smarter than retarded is the norm, but seriously, close your dicktrap you dirty filthy shitbox.
DON'T: Scream out "Oh, now I get it!" You probably ought to have a monkey wrench in your face.
DON'T: Worry about having sex in the theater. Just do it or don't do it. I'm here to watch a movie, I don't give a shit what the hell you do as long as you're quiet. Exterminate the gypsies and see if I care. Just don't make any noise.
DON'T: Throw stuff at the screen. Come on, I know your parents were probably teenage cousins when they had you, but have a little respect for the other people spending their hard-earned cash to watch a movie. Instead, entertain yourself by picking things off the floor and eating them. Hopefully you'll catch a dirty hypodermic needle or two.
DON'T: Wander off in the middle of a movie to take a piss, return, and then yell, "Yo Keisha! Where the fuck you at?" She's embarrassed to be with you and secretly hopes you'll get lost and starve to death.
DON'T: Put your feet up next to somebody's face. Nobody wants to smell your dirty bunions.
DON'T: Bump into people's chairs. You probably don't like it, so try to follow the Golden Rule a little bit. And if you accidentally hit a seat, make your apology quick. You've already annoyed one person, you don't need to annoy everybody else. And we all voted. Jump off a fucking cliff you grungy bastard.
DON'T: Bring your fucking kids to a late-night showing of an action movie with explosions. Your kid is just going to cry, because like you, your baby is a fucking selfish worthless piece of shit. Do everybody a favor and take you and your child to an actual battleground with real explosions. Hopefully, both of you will get blown up.
| After the movie… |
DO: File out at a reasonable speed.
DO: Tell your friends why you liked the movie.
DO: Drive your SUV as fast as you can in the wrong lane on the highway. One less slug-brained family on the road will do the world some good.
DO: Throw your garbage away. Those high school kids and Mexicans aren't your slaves. Unless they're your kids or Mexicans, then I guess they are your slaves.
DO: Go ahead and turn on your cell phone and tell your "braugh" that Saw 9 wasn't as intelligent as you thought it was going to be.
DON'T: Forget your keys, cell phone or wallet.
DON'T: Push your way to the front. Who died and made you king of the buttplugs?
DON'T: Forget to walk straight to another room so you can watch another movie for the price of one. Hollywood just ripped you off, yet again. It's time to get those fuckers back for years of dogshit like Crash and every Adam Sandler movie since Little Nicky.
I hope this guide helps you enjoy movies just a little bit more.