Weekly Drunk Text: I'm jealous, make me famous!! Homie p.s. I'm nailing the shit out of a bottle of vodka on my couch -Christy
If you read anything worth reading, you—of course—have read me. How could you not know who I am? I mean, I have to be your most famous friend. If not, I should be in your top three. If you do have friends more famous than me, well, why the hell haven't you introduced us yet? Don't you know us celebrities like to hang out, have coke orgies, and revel in the enjoyment of the public's love?
Hmph. You plebeians are all the same. Sure, go about your pathetic little lives and pretend you're happy. Really, we all know you care about us—the stars.
My story? You want to hear the life story from little old me?
I probably know Paris Hilton better than all you fools. I read her book, Confessions of an Heiress.Sure I'll tell you, but I'm holding the good stuff for A&E Biography and MTV's "So You Want to Be Casey Freeman?" Believe me, there are enough good stories and anecdotes to go around.
Obviously the first answer to your first question is: "Yes, these are my real teeth." Shocking and awesome, but I was born with a perfect jaw line and a smile just waiting for the cover of Tiger Beat. Do you know anybody there? I am available for photos, any time really.
I'll get the next big one out of the way. Of course I knew I always wanted to be a writer. When my Grandma Dorothy read me stories when I was a spry young lad, I used to say, "Grandma, why don't I tell you a story?" I would spin tales of a hero named Casey who'd go on amazing adventures, defeat undefeatable odds, and encounter monsters melting.
Fast forward a few years to Mrs. Flom's third grade class in Bismarck, North Dakota. (Did I say I come from humble beginnings or what?) As a mere 9-year-old, I wrote a story (see a pattern emerging? wink) about how the Gingerbread Man and Humpty Dumpty became friends and managed not to get eaten by the hungry people of HungryTown. My illustrious professor said my epic tome of five single-spaced, loose-leaf pages was the best in the class. I had my first taste of success, and my hunger for this luscious fruit called Fame hasn't been satiated since.
The spotlight truly called me his friend when the Channel 7 news interviewed me about our fourth grade banking project. We learned all about collateral, earning interest and how banks are fun places to work, learn and earn! That night our entire little burg enjoyed the news as I graced the small screen for a grand total of four seconds. Don't believe me? My mom still has the videotape! Take that, naysayers!
That's when my acting career started. In fourth grade I played The Priest in The Best Christmas Pageant Ever and later, Chief Big Wolf in Lewis And Clark Meet Sacajawea The Indian Guide. Yes, the acting bug bit me, but I decided to let the other lesser children in my class take the bigger roles because they had so much less to live for than me.
After an outstanding elementary career, I attended Hughes Junior High and then Saint Mary's Central Catholic High School, where my life truly improved. The football coach started me as both the star quarterback and linebacker. I sexed every hot girl and beat up every single person that didn't like me, which wasn't really that much because everybody liked me in both junior high and high school. I was Mr. Popular back in those days. Ask anybody. It's all true!
Don't read the web though, because we all know people lie on the Internet and say things like, "Casey was the biggest fag ever in high school." Or "My hermit crab had more friends than Freeman." My least favorite is "Casey Semen only kissed one girl in high school, and that was a $2 Canadian prostitute that ended up being a guy. What a FAG!"
Haha. Silly buggers.
I truly bloomed in college, but I'm saving those stories for my Behind the Music special. A good magician never shows all his tricks, right? Right?
Now, I'm sure you want me to talk about my writing career.
For years I jotted poems for girls I'd never talk to and hid them in notebooks. I never gave them to the objects of my affection because I just felt bad stealing all the beautiful women for myself. At this time I focused my craft.
If I could name one thing helped take my writing to the next level, it would be the Information Super World Wide Highway. Who would have thought in only four short years my MySpace blog would garner more than 159 reads? Think I'm lying? You'll go to hell for that!
Yes, the Google led me to the path of Points in Case where I allow my millions and billions of fans to read my innermost thoughts. But, young persons, this is not all me. I also work as an associate editor to a magazine, just to keep my skills sharp! And are they ever! Today I wrote a story about the sale of a shopping mall. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Somebody might buy an apartment building! Lease a 3,500 sf (square foot) commercial office! Oh boy!
I've been published five times today on www.NYT.com. First I commented on a story and said, "I don't think Obama is as cool as people think he is." I thought it would be funny to keep a dialogue with myself, so my next comment was "Well, McCain probably likes to get drunk and have adultery." I kept going too! Boy those New York Times people were going through loops trying to figure out that malarkey!
I also write consistently for The New Yorker, Maxim and The Economist. Usually I submit articles and they send me letters back saying something along the lines of, "That's pretty good, but we know it's not your best. Please try again or quit." However, I did write a letter to the editor in Playboy, and you know what? They started showing more photos of naked blonde girls with big boobies. You see, being a celebrity gets you special favors.
I also have celebrity friends. Martin Scorsese, Adam Sandler, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson and I attended NYU together. Well, not at the same time, but you catch my drift.
I probably know Paris Hilton better than all you fools. I read her book, Confessions of an Heiress. Now I know all kinds of things about her the rest of the public probably is completely unaware of.
Yeah, famous girlfriends are tough, but I usually make it work out. Like when Howard Stern asked Megan Fox, "What's the best celebrity sex you've ever had?" She kind of laughed, paused and said "No comment." Yeah, she was talking about my junk—which I've named Casey Junior and the Twins. Clever, huh?
As with anyone's life and career, I've had my ups and downs, good reviews and bad reviews, loves and losses, A plusses and B minuses. I'm not one to brag, so I won't bore you with the details. But if you're aching for more, just wait until my seven-hour long autobiography hits the big screen. You're in for a treat!
You're the best,
kc (This is how I spell my name with my friends. Can we be friends?)